My new life song - Haven't met you yet - Michael Buble
This song is AMAZING. And it makes me feel so positive about the future. He is on X Factor tomorrow night, I think it should be the law that you watch it (it should be the law even without Michael, but with Michael it should be erm, double law).

Another GREAT song that we did at spinning today - What about now - Chris Daughtry
You will no doubt be seeing this on X Factor too because stupid Westlife are covering it. Daughtry's video is really beautiful I think. Westlife's will no doubt be full of matching white suits and stools... quite sad that that is the only exposure some people will have to this song.

Half term. Thank goodness.

Love love love xxx

Not doing well blogging in October...

Been pretty busy, nothing very exciting, mainly work, but a quick update anyway. Been to the gym quite a lot the last few weeks, not IN the gym because I find it a bit mind numbingly boring, but I've been swimming quite a lot and I've started going to Spinning classes which are the hardest physical thing I've ever done. Brilliant, but so hard. I thought it was about time I started getting fit, especially now I'm sitting about in my car so much.

Not a lot else to report really... that sounds boring. Going to see Michael McIntyre next month and Only Men Aloud in December so that will be something interesting to post about. But just so you know I'm still here!

Love love love xxx

As twittered by Rob Bell today...

Blessed are those who don't have it all together.
Blessed are those who have run out of strength, ideas, will power, resolve, or energy.
Blessed are those who ache because of how severely out of whack the world is.
Blessed are those stumble, trip, and fall in the same place again and again.
Blessed are those who on a regular basis have a dark day in which despair seems to be a step behind them wherever they go.
Blessed are you, for God is with you, God is on your side, God meets you in that place.
The gospel is the counterintuitive, joyous, exuberant news that Jesus has brought the unending, limitless, stunning love of God to even us.

Beautiful.

Haven't written a blog of randomness for a while. So I'm back. But I don't have very long to write today so I'll try to keep it brief for once.

School is still hard work and the drive there and back is nearly killing me, it's only 10 miles but in the stupid Walsall/Wolverhampton traffic it feels like about 110.

Joined a health club which I drive past on the way to and from work and so far I've been 5 times since last Saturday which is quite impressive, and it would have been more but I've been knocked out by my first cold in about 3 years. Have mostly been swimming but I've done a little bit in the gym. Went on a powerplate today, it nearly killed me. There was me thinking it would be all easy and relaxing and after 30 seconds doing an ab crunch on it I almost can't walk - excellent. Hopefully it might get rid of the alarmingly expanding food baby though.

Went to church this morning, evangelical stylee. Not sure it's quite me but at least people have talked to me. Not been to Aldridge in almost a month and I don't think anyone's even noticed yet. Eeeeshk really not very long, dinner's ready, so bye for now!

Love love love xxx

Phew! Well has been very busy!

Work first, get that out the way. School is hard so far. I don't want to say too much more about it really, but I am having quite a hard time. But I keep my head down and I keep going.

That bit was nice and quick! Right, onto something GOOD next... went to see We Will Rock You on Thursday night with the lovely Melissa, and it was sooooooo great. Made me see Queen songs in a whole new light. I've always known Queen songs, I think you'd have to live on another planet to miss them, but I think because they're SO famous it can be easy to not really listen to them anymore. A real highlight for me on Thursday was Sombody to Love that Scaramouche sang, she had a phenomenal voice and it was a really heartfelt performance. The whole show was great; funny, sad, hopeful... just fantastic. So much so in fact that I decided to go again. Which is not really like me. But Saturday was the last day in Birmingham so it wasn't the best plan I've ever had! Phoned up first thing on Saturday morning and there was one seat left, almost like it was meant to be!! So I went. And I have to say the second time was even more brilliant. The audience was much more responsive and at the end everyone was on their feet dancing and generally being a bit mental. It was just amazing. And totally different highlight this time, which was No one but you (aka Only the good die young). It actually made me fill up. Just a massive goosebump moment. So I've had that on repeat ever since. Play the Game was fantastic too. And, weirdly, I think one of the things that made a difference for me on Saturday was that I was on my own. Not for a second saying that was better than going with Melissa!!!!! Because I love her and was great to go with her! But when I do stuff like that by myself I feel free. And I feel free to be myself and so for example, I had no problem standing up and having a dance, whereas I know if I was with other people I would probably be a bit self conscious about it. And I got to thinking, does anybody actually KNOW me anymore? The me that I am now? At Uni I think a fair few people really knew me and I could be completely myself with them. And even after Uni for a bit. And of course during that period Chris knew me. But if he met me now he'd meet a very different person. But it makes me sort of sad to think nobody knows the real me now... maybe I'm wrong, maybe they do. And there are certainly people that know me pretty well. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I want someone to share my life with.

Now, from the good experience to the bad... church. I went to Joshua's christening at St Thomas' this morning. St Thomas' has never been my favourite place in the world, it's always been a bit odd even from my AYF days, and hadn't been for a really long time until today. And even though Richard T is great, it still just gives me really funny vibes. And I was sat there this morning thinking, I just don't fit. And not just at St Thomas'. In church in general. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. And after speaking with a couple of people about it, most notably Hoyland, I've started to wonder about being single in the church and if anybody fits. I'm thinking mainly of females here. Because, let's face it, there are not many men IN the church in comparison to women, and a lot of churches frown upon non-Christian unions (sweeping generalisation there but my experience so far), so surely in that case, there will always be single women within the church, but it seems like the church wants to ignore this. What I'm saying here might not be very clear and well thought out yet but hopefully the gist is there. In my experience of church at the moment, I am moreorless the only single female. Most people my age are already married. Obviously the youth group are mainly single or dating so they are not married, but then they are young (I know I'm hardly over the hill but in church terms it sometimes seems like it). But because all of these people are married, it means anybody single is a minority. These married couples socialise together, and so they should, and that's a comfortable state. As soon as you throw someone single into the mix it's harder. The world is not geared up for singletons. I would feel weird going out for dinner with just a married couple for instance. Because in the back of my mind I would feel like they would rather be on their own and also like a gooseberry. And I know the problem in that situation is all with me, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. Oh I don't know quite what point I'm trying to make here. But if I'm feeling like this being single in church at the age of 24 that really worries me. Because 24 is really not old. Christians in my experience get married a lot younger than a lot of the rest of society. So at 24 I am made to feel like I'm left on the shelf, and that shouldn't be the case at all. And I shouldn't have to have patronising married people telling me how wonderful it is that I have more time to dedicate to God if I'm single. I think maybe part of my reason for being quite so bitter about this behaviour is from the time I was told I should be single forever because I was damaged. Nice. But the last thing a single person (or me at least) wants to hear is a married person telling them how wonderful it is to be single. If it was so wonderful then why did they get married?!

Oh I don't know. I'm just a bit disenchanted with it all. And more than a bit annoyed by the attitude that I'm single for the long haul because I'm 24. I mean, who knows, I might be (although I really hope not because that's not what I want for myself AT ALL), but it shouldn't be assumed. It reminds me of the Lily Allen song 22, which says:

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say
Till the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age.

Why should anyone feel like they've been written off because they're not married? Being single doesn't make me any less of a person than someone who's married. It might not be the state I want to be in forever but it still doesn't make me any more incomplete than anyone else.

Right, anyway, I'm going to go now and try to process some of this into actual logical thoughts.

Love love love xxx

Bloggety blog...

So, I've done my first 2 days at the new job with no kids. Feeling very much apprehensive about the whole thing and quite terrified of tomorrow!! Must be brave...

Update on the last blog is that I've decided against leading housegroup for the time being. Just feel like it is totally the wrong time. Job wise I know I'm going to be stupidly busy based on what I've seen so far, and church wise, well, it's in a state of disarray really. Don't really know what to do with myself there. I'm quite thankful that I have Melissa to share it with, even though I'm not thankful she's feeling like me about it, because at least we're both in the same boat and can try to get out of it together. That was such a bad sentence.

The morning after my last blog I woke up pretty late, after my camping sleep of the weekend, and really wanted to cry. And I have NO idea why. I pulled myself together though. I think maybe I was just overtired or something. Although I've been a bit weepy all week really, almost cried during Athlete on Monday night and did have a cry on Thursday at school. Although that was because I was totally overwhelmed by information and by the thought of how much I would need to do to get things to a standard I'm happy with. I think I'm more stressed about it than I'd realised really, I thought I was quite laid back about it (for me anyway), but actually I don't think I am, and I'm basing this on my sleep pattern... I have been sleeping but I've been really tense in the night, waking up with aching muscles and my cheeks and tongue have been bitten to shreds which only ever happens when I'm stressing about something. Plus I've been having horrific dreams for the last few nights and dreaming is often a sign that things aren't quite right. I went for a massage on Wednesday to try and sort out the ache which did really help actually but it's started to come back again now. Might have a nice hot bath. Oh this is so uninteresting.

Right, I'm off to do some washing and ironing for a few minutes I think, rock n roller that I am. Then bath and bed ready for my trek across the M6 tomorrow morning, woohoo!

Love love love xxx

September already - how quick did that come around?!

So, just got back from Greenbelt Festival and am going to attempt to write something intelligible about it. At nearly 11pm. After 4 days of no sleep. Could be interesting.

Drove down on Friday morning and met up with the lovely Jilly. We got to the racecourse and had to wait in a very strange queueing system waiting to get in and I ate faaaaar too many chocolate fingers. Had a long drive round the campsite when we got in because we didn't understand Steve's directions at all but finally found him and after much comical car maneuvering we got there and got our tents up.

On Friday evening we went off down to the festival village to see Andy Flannagan in the Big Top but we were a bit late and didn't really understand what was going on which was a shame because I bet he was brilliant. Very odd venue, really dark I thought with not great sound.

Then, brilliantly, we went to a talk called "Birmingham: It's not sh*t". In which it was proved that it kind of is but we love it anyway. It was very funny. Met up with Rich, Matt and Becki from church there too which was nice.

After that we went to the mainstage to see yFriday who were pretty good. Then we went to this thing called Pyro-Theology which in the write up sounded brilliant, but in reality was very weird and more than a little bit disappointing, particularly in that there was no fire. Unless you count a match that was lit for about 2 seconds. Which I don't. It seemed to me to be about burning the establishment... very odd... didn't really get it if I'm honest. We met Sax Tim and Ruth though so that was nice. Then went to Last Orders. The one and only time I went to Greenbelt before we went to Last Orders every night, it was a sort of interview, music, comedy thingy, and was really good. So we went off to it but the presenters couldn't interview and weren't at all funny so as soon as Stu G had done his little set we went and didn't go the rest of the weekend. Is a shame cos I'd remembered that being dead good.

Saturday was a big stress. Rob Bell was on in Centaur (the big inside venue) at 10am but we really wanted to see Trent Vineyard there at 9 and the venue was being cleared between the two so we knew if we did that we'd be at the back of the queue and wouldn't get in. So we left 20 mins early to queue by which time the queue was ridiculously big. But. We felt really bad for Trent because they were great and had been put on at a stupid time anyway, made stupider by the fact that people couldn't go if they wanted to see Rob Bell. At 10.15 they finally started letting people in, Rob started at 10.20 cos he had a lot to get through and limited time, we got in at 10.40 and people finished coming in about 11. It was an absolute shambles. Which was gutting because he was amazing to listen to. He was doing his Drops Like Stars talk which is about suffering and creativity, and it was brilliant. Steve didn't get in to see him which was a real shame because I know he'd wanted to and he's only joined the queue a tiny bit after us. I don't understand why the organisers put him on in a venue that wasn't big enough for the demand. There is no bigger indoor venue and I guess outdoors it's harder to hear a speaker, but surely they knew he'd be really popular. I mean, they could have put a screen up somewhere else, it's not like you needed to be in the room. And we were under the impression that all the talks would be available to buy afterwards but that one isn't, so for those of us that missed the first bit, and the people that missed it all, it's really rubbish. I know a lot of people, myself included, would list Rob Bell as their main reason for going to GB09 so it was a bit hopeless that it didn't quite work.

After lunch we went to see Alistair McGrath talking mainly about Richard Dawkins, which was really interesting. Then to a thing called Tickling in Public: Here we go again, which really was a children's poetry thing, but it was quite good fun. It was a bit lengthy for me but it gave us a nice sit down in the sun.

That day we also saw Quench's last ever gig and Stu G. Quench were quite good, but they were a bit shouty which was odd cos they're not usually. And the venue was strange, it was the Underground which is a bit small and hot and dark and the smoke machines played havoc with my contact lenses! We left a bit early to go to see Stu G do an acoustic set in the Performance Cafe, and yet again came so close to not getting in, but managed to wangle front row seats. Well, floor if we're honest, so close together that it took about half an hour for my legs to recover afterwards, but an amazing location for a fantastic set. A real highlight was his cover of Umbrella by Rihanna which I don't really like, but he made it good. And he's just amazingly talented, he records bits as he goes along and layers them on top of each other, it just sounds incredible. So that was fab.

Sunday morning was Greenbelt Communion with no communion because of swine flu but we missed most of it because my blood sugar went low after the first little bit, but it wasn't really our cup of tea anyway so we didn't mind too much. Luckily it meant we were in time to start queueing for Rob Bell again because we wanted to be sure we'd get in. This time he spoke about The two kinds of now, which was about ageing and renewal and was really very interesting and thoughful, and we got in in time this time which I was soooo pleased about. We'd wanted to go and see Bishop Gene Robinson after that but by the time Rob had finished he'd already started so might try to catch up on his talks on the website.

It was really Rob Bell day on Sunday, because he was doing an interview in the evening, so we got some tea and went and sat ready for that which this time was outside. Before him was a guy called Sami Awad who spoke about the trouble in Israel and Palestine as a Palestinian. It was really interesting. I have to admit I don't really understand quite what's happening there so some parts were lost on me, but I found his talk really engaging and interesting. Then Rob Bell in conversation was great. It was basically a question time and I just think he is really sound and really knows his stuff. And there is a real honesty in him. His style is so engaging, I didn't find my mind wandering any of the times I saw him which is unusual for me. I would really recommend his book Sex God (if I haven't already at some point) and also his new one, Drops Like Stars. Can't recommend Velvet Elvis yet cos still not finished it, but Sex God especially I found to be brilliant.

After Rob, we stayed for the Big Sing which was led by John Bell of Iona fame. That was brilliant, I loved that when I went to Iona, it's amazing how quickly they get everyone singing and sounding so good.

We didn't really go to much else that night. Popped up to Soul Space on a hunt for Hoyland because we'd heard he was up there, and we left him a note, but we ended up sitting on a bench just chatting most of the evening, after a quick trip to bookshop and music shop. Which was great. Jilly is fab and so good to talk to. I found myself really opening up to her this weekend which I find hard to do so it was a really good time for me. She quite possibly was thinking "Argh, shut UP!".

Nearly done now. Monday. We went to Andy Flannagan first thing in the morning and didn't miss the beginning, hurray, and he was great. We had a great time of sung worship but just wished it lasted longer, cos there was something else on in the venue straight after. Stupid venue for worship though, it was the place Quench had been so really small, and there was this barrier between the stage and us, which Andy said was rather counterproductive. It was really silly. But he was fantastic and it was a great time of worship.

Had a little wander round then went up to track down Hoyland at about 12, and he was there! YAY! So we went for a walk with him and ate cheesy bread and had a talk and he of course came out with lots of wise things and it was sooooo lovely to see him again.

Then we set off to see Tim Hughes which we were really looking forward to, he was in Centaur which was much better for a worship venue but really irritatingly we didn't get in. Even after queueing. Gutted. After Andy Flannagan we were so up for it and it was so annoying to not get in, and not be able to join in elsewhere through the power of a screen. I so intend to write to Greenbelt with this point about this venue. It is just ridiculous.

So. We went to a place that had been set up for worship with installations and stuff, but there wasn't really anything to do, it was quite child focussed. So went back and had tea.

In the evening we went to see Cornershop (Brimful of Asha) on Mainstage, but we left after that song and several others, because they were so dull! No stage presence whatsoever and everything sounded the same, and everything was on 2 notes. Really disappointing I thought. So we went to play a game of Testament Trumps which didn't really work with just 2 of us but gave us a giggle.

Then back to mainstage for Athlete. Who we thought we only knew one song of. That was a terrible sentence grammar wise. As was that. But we thought we only knew Wires. But turns out we knew loads, and they were amaaaaarrrrrzing! Plus my love of men in bands returned for the 500th time this weekend. They were really great, fantastic headline act to finish. We went to get our CDs signed afterwards and had a photo with them. Great time to have a photo taken with famous people, after not washing for 4 days. Nice.

Today we've packed up, gone for lunch in Cheltenham, I took Jilly back to the airport and then came home for a lovely wash and a lovely bed.

Lots more I could say but I don't have the energy now, so sure it'll be remembered over the next few posts, but what I will say is that it was great to catch up with the Charmans this weekend, and to meet the other people we were camping with. It was lovely to spend some time with Jilly since this time last year we'd only just really become friends. And it was great to be at Greenbelt. I hadn't known if I'd like it, thought it might be a bit hippy. Last time I went we went for Vender and didn't really engage in much else. But I didn't really think it'd be my cup of tea. But actually there is something for absolutely everyone, it just takes some good scrutinising of the incredibly confusing programme to find it all.

I will just mention before I forget to, that I had a phonecall today from the leaders of the Small Groups at church, to ask if I would prayerfully consider taking on leadership of our group as John and Gemma move to Nottingham. And I am really at a loss what to say. I've written very briefly before about church and me. It's not an easy place at the moment. I am sort of connected to 3 different churches and don't feel like I fit at any of them. And Aldridge especially I am really struggling with. So I don't know what to do. If I didn't think it would open up a whole can of worms I would say that it would be impossible to lead a small group when I was struggling to even be a member of the church. I am fairly sure that it is not something I will do. I will think about it. But I can't see my answer being yes. I'm just not sure yet how to phrase a no. Any prayers/advice/nuggets of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Goodnight.

Love love love xxx

Blogging again, to finish a couple of bits I was going to say last night.

On Saturday in Ambleside, there was a moment while we were walking through the tennis court/bowling green/crazy golf park and I had a song going round and round in my brain which I think is a totally epic song and stirs up so much good emotion in me, and it fitted in perfectly with the day. It's One Day Like This by Elbow, and I'm going to put two links to it here, the first is the official music video, and the second is an immense live performance with the BBC orchestra. I'm putting them both because I think the vocals at the beginning of the live one are a bit off because they're a bit quiet, so this way you get a bit of a choice!

One Day Like This video

One Day Like This live

I think this would be a great song to have at a wedding, maybe walking down the aisle at the end.

Another great song while I'm thinking, I heard this this morning completely by accident when my mp3 player was on shuffle, it's called Sleep All Day by Jason Mraz. I think this is the sort of song that can make me feel happy and chilled even on a Monday morning. This version is an acoustic live version, although there are fuller band versions on youtube, I think there is real beauty in the simplicity here.

Sleep All Day

Another song to look out for that made my motorway journey so much more bearable was Friday I'm in Love by the Cure. Can't find any very good videos on youtube but look on itunes or similar because it's great.

We've just been tonight for our family photo session at Eileen Mason's, which we got Mum and Dad for their 30th wedding anniversary. Mike who helped on my pictures was our photographer and it was really good fun, mainly because we got to tickle Matt, and Mum got to tickle Dad, and no one got to tickle me. Although they're definitely more ticklish than me, they were both lying on the floor all helpless and giggling. Very funny. We're going to view them on the 9th.

Right, done for now!

Love love love xxx

Sunday 23rd August although technically the early hours of Monday 24th August
Has been a little while...

I've just got back from Lancaster. Well, not just at 12..30 at night. Just as in this evening. I've had a brilliant time.

Went up on Thursday afternoon and had a lovely tea at Liz and Jim's, in fact must get the recipe off them cos it was yum. We watched Knocked Up in the evening which I'd never seen before. Katherine Heigl was better in it I thought than in The Ugly Truth but I'm still not convinced about her.

Friday I went a-visiting, went to see James and Ailsa and the twins and Marianne was up too so it was a real little reunion. We went to Williamson Park, just one of my favourite places ever, and played in the park. The girls are getting so big now, can't believe they're nearly one! Seems like they only came home about a month ago! They're properly adorable though, I reckon it won't be long before Ivy's walking and then the mischief can begin! Was great to catch up with them all and it was really sunny and warm, making my umbrella rather unnecessary... I'd forgotten all about the Lancaster hilliness too - flat old Pelsall has made me lazy, could hardly move my legs on Saturday morning!! On Friday evening we went to Greaves Park for tea and met the Badgers and Andrew and Carolyn. Much better food there these days, really enjoyed it, and I'd forgotten how much I missed going out with a group of people like that. I hardly ever do it these days. I sometimes go out for peoples birthdays but that isn't really the same because you never know anybody in the same way at things like that I don't think. So that was lovely.

On Saturday it was sunny again, shock horror! So me, Liz and Jim went to Ambleside for the day which was very exciting. I miss the Lake District. Which I didn't think I'd catch myself saying because I'm not a big walker but was dragged around it a lot in my youth, but it is undeniably one of the prettiest places ever, and especially in the sunshine. We played Crazy Golf which was very entertaining, especially Jim disease, and then had ice cream, hurray! Finally summer! (well until today...) Fab day.

Saturday night I went out for tea with Steve to Glasson Dock which I never even knew existed, so that was an adventure for me. It was so great to catch up properly with him and chat through stuff, I hadn't realised how much I'd missed it. Lots of food for thought too which is not going to be published on here yet. But it was fab, Steve is one of my favourite people ever, even though he does think I'm gullible (which I possibly might be).

Then today we went to Chaplaincy and it was great because it was so small which is the total opposite of what I'm used to these days, and had chance to chat to Hugh who was away last time, and Vincent, which was a really nice surprise because I thought he'd moved to Cambridge already. It's lovely to catch up with old friends.

Out for lunch again, this time to Penny Street Bridge which is one change in Lancaster I'm very happy about because it's soooo much nicer than it used to be when it was the Farmer's Arms! Lovely Roast Dinner and chat with Liz and Jim. Then home after being blocked in by Poppy the cat!

I just love Lancaster. I thought this walking around on my own after seeing the Waltons and Marianne. I don't know what it is, but something about it is just so appealing and brilliant. I know a lot of it is probably memories of my Uni days, because they were great, but I don't think it can be just that, because quite a lot of those memories are still quite painful. I don't know. I think it's quite a pretty city.

And I love Liz and Jim, I think they're one of the best couples I know. They both totally bring out the best in each other and I think it just shows that some things were meant to be. They really inspire me to be a better person. (Liz is probably reading this and thinking I'm talking utter rubbish!) I'm so glad I know them.

And I'm glad I know Steve. (Honestly, every time I go to Lancaster these days I come on here and gush in an embarrassing fashion!) I think Steve has been a really big influence in my life, especially faith wise. I still don't really get where I fit in the whole grand plan business and church is still a bit issue for me, trying to find somewhere that I feel comfortable, but I think talking with him really helps me organise things in my head. At the moment I'm split between 3 churches, trying to find somewhere I can be, and none of them are really me, so it's nice to know that there is someone there that I can talk to about things that will know where I'm coming from.

Right, loads more I could waffle about but for your sanity and my beauty sleep I won't. But I will end with a quote from that great film, The Holiday, because times like this weekend do make me feel worthwhile again. I really feel like me again, and I'm happy.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Love love love xxx

Just a quick one cos it's 1.15 in the am, which is a silly time to still be up, although I kinda like the world at this time. Used to go out for a walk at this sort of time in Lancaster... those were the days.

Just to say really, that however naive it is, and however much it has been proved to the contrary, I completely believe in happily ever afters. Now I've possibly said this before, but in case you missed it, I'm totally the sort of person that believes everything is wonderful until proven crap. And quite often even after that. Now all the evidence from my life alone, never mind everywhere else, shows me that happily ever afters don't exist. And plenty of people have told me this as well over the years. But I still believe in them. Which might be mental and might be stupid but I don't really care. I think if I didn't believe in them I'd go mad so it's probably best I do.

All this comes from just watching Enchanted for about the millionth time. I love that film. I think it is one of the best Disney films ever, a real modern classic. The bit where Robert sings to Giselle never fails to make me turn to mush inside, and the final montage always brings a smile to my face. I just love it.

So, in a world where finding love feels unlikely, and being happy is sometimes a struggle, I cling to my belief that happily ever after DOES exist, and I will never stop dreaming and I will never stop looking for it.

A song from the film that really encapsulates this is Ever Ever After by Carrie Underwood. And, as you know I don't do the lyrics thing very much, but I'm going to with this song because I genuinely believe that it has a really positive and good message and that if more people believed in it the world would be a better place. (I so should live in Andalasia)

Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true
Deep down inside we want to believe they still do
In our secretest heart, it's our favourite part of the story
Let's just admit we all want to make it to

Ever ever after
If we just don't get it our own way
Ever ever after
It may only be a wish away

Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve
Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe
Unafraid, unashamed
There is joy to be claimed in this world
You even might wind up being glad to be you

Ever ever after
Though the world will tell you it's not smart

Ever ever after
The world can be yours if you let your heart
Believe in ever after

No wonder your heart feels it's flying
Your head feels it's spinning
Each happy ending's a brand new beginning
Let yourself be enchanted, you just might break through

To ever ever after
Forever could even start today
Ever ever after
Maybe it's just one wish away
Your ever ever after

I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss

Oh, for ever ever ever after

Lush lush lush. I LOVE IT!

Love love love xxx

So, has been a little while. Today I have had one of those brilliant unexpected days, but more of that in a bit.

Went to Longleat with Beckie this week. Even though it rained it was great, it is an amazing place. We saw Lord Bath in a rather interesting pair of bright yellow velvet trousers... and we saw where Johnny the Otter used to live. We saw Nico the gorilla and Henry the giraffe. We didn't see Wheelie though. We found pictures of Head of Section Darren Beesley and Ben Fogle... was a bit gutted not to meet the real Ben Fogle but hey you can't have everything. So yeah, great couple of days, just a pity about the weather.

And then today. Was amaaaaarrrrrzing. I hadn't really planned a lot for today. Last night I'd toyed with the idea of taking myself off to Lancaster and sitting somewhere with my journal. Ashton or Jubilee Tower or somewhere. I'd also thought about taking myself off to the seaside somewhere. I love the sea, and it helps me to think. Sadly I live about as far away from the sea as I possibly can in this country... Anyway, remembered that I had a back massage booked at 11 to try and sort out all my horrid knots, so that put paid to those ideas a little bit. So I decided to pop into Birmingham to get a new diary and pyjamas. Rock n roll. Thought I might have a walk around the canal area too cos it was nice and sunny for a change. Anyway, when I got to the Bullring the Debenhams end was just rammed and there was all this screaming going on, wasn't very impressed. Went off to do a few bits and bobs then on the way back down to HMV I saw a sign on the staging that was up on the bottom floor saying that How to Look Good Naked was being filmed... well, how could I resist a bit of Gok? I LOVE him! I want him to be my gay best friend. And I want him to take me shopping. So I found myself a spot on the second floor to watch catwalk show number 2. It was great. It was, I think, a mother and daughter called Maria and possibly Barbara (I was stood behind the stage so I couldn't really hear anything that Gok was saying). They looked fantastic. At the end Gok said there'd be 2 more shows. Well, I'd been stood there for about an hour and a half waiting for show 2 and hadn't turned up straight after show 1 so I figured I had a bit of time to do my shopping and then find a new space. So went and did my bits of shopping and then when I came back it was really busy. I suppose a lot of people were just about getting off work, so the only space I could find was rammed up against a store guide up on the 3rd floor. I could see alright from up there but could hear even less, and everyone around me was sooooo boring. Show 3 was a woman called April who seemed to have bucketloads of confidence. Anyway, after the 3rd show I decided to go straight down to the bottom floor to get a space early for the last show so I could properly see. By this time it was about half past 6 and the place was emptying a bit. I was stood with a pretty good bunch of people, right on the left hand corner of the runway. The show didn't start till almost 7.30 so my feet were killing cos had been standing up watching/shopping since 1.30, but it was the best one by far. We all had a dance and a sing and Gok was great with the crowd. Because the shops were shutting there were only people there who wanted to watch and join in so the atmosphere was great, and it was the series finale so all the crew and Gok were quite hyped up. It was brilliant. This time it was a woman called Jane and she was really funny, it was great to watch. And Gok's family were in the audience too which was cool. I got filmed quite a lot in the last show, which was exciting but wish I'd known before, because I was wearing the worst outfit and had the worst hair ever. I was wearing a top from my Uni days which if I'm honest is a bit on the tight side these days, I had my fringe plaited and clipped up, no make up on so ridiculous shiny face. Oh dear. So they will no doubt cut me out of the final edit! By the time we finished it was almost 8.30 so I went back off to the train, and on the way back I just thought to myself, today was so unexpected but that is what made it so great. So often the days you don't plan are the best. I always used to think this about nights out at Uni. The ones we planned for weeks were always a bit of an anticlimax, whereas the ones planned 5 minutes in advance were usually fantastic. I love days like today. And I love it on days like today when I'm free to follow the impulse. My plan today was to get the shopping done, be home for about 2.30/3ish, do a bit of cleaning, watch a bit of TV, maybe have a bath. And I love that I could throw that plan out of the window at the drop of a hat. Now this probably all sounds rather gushy, but really, today put me in such a good mood because of how unexpected it was. It was the sort of day that reminded me it was good to be alive. It's good to stand with a random group of people all doing the same thing. So yeah. It was just a great day.

Love love love xxx

HOLIDAY! Hurray!

Although skanky weather we seem to be having - yet again. So much for cold winter hot summer.

Since my last post been very busy. Last week at school was really sad for me, I'm going to miss it A LOT and I miss my class already. Well, some of them anyway! The day after I left I went into my new school and sorted out the first week with my partner teacher. I'm not feeling great about the planning really, hope it all becomes a bit clearer and a bit more organised. The room was left bare with bits all over the floor (no carpet, argh!) so didn't do a lot in that till this week.

Thursday night Sax Tim and Ruth came and we went to see Harry Potter (again), then Friday had a very very wet trip to Alton Towers where I got so wet that I couldn't even tell if it was raining anymore. Oh and I was nearly sick after banging my head on Nemesis. So a bit of a disaster really. Then Tim's car wouldn't start. Not the most successful day!

Friday evening I went out for my leaving do. A meal at Ask in Lichfield, then a few minutes in a questionable bar then into Apres for the rest of the night. It was great to be out with a group like that again, not been out out since before me and Chris broke up. Great night, although loads of really short blokes. Granted I was wearing silly shoes that made me about 6'1" but still, they were mega short!

Saturday Matt and Beckie came down and then the 5 of us went away to Much Wenlock for Mum and Dad's 30th wedding anniversary. It was lovely but I was soooooo tired and then it rained loads which was a shame.

Monday I went into school to make a start on my room, not easy when a lot of the display paper is squished. Got it looking a bit tidier, went back in yesterday to put a rug and some cushions in, make it a bit more appealing. It doesn't look bad now, but am still feeling a bit restless about it all.

The rest of the week has been spent cutting out, going to the dentist and having a major clean. Not quite finished the clean yet but it's getting there.

Plans for the next few days...well tomorrow it's finishing cleaning hopefully. Sunday I'm going to Leilah-May's christening, will be great to see Toni-Ann again, not seen her since before she was married. Then Beckie's coming ready for our trip to Longleat on Monday till Wednesday where we will (in my head) meet Ben Fogle! Wednesday night is my bead party, then after that I have a few days off without the parents.

This post is really not very interesting. It's a big catch up I suppose. This summer so far is really different to last summer. Last summer for the first couple of weeks I spent every day in school getting prepared, every evening (cos parents away), cutting and sticking and printing, hardly eating anything at all. I guess it was a way of coping. Although I found myself longing for that this week, I wish I could do more for school this year because I feel so underprepared. I also know that I still need to keep reasonably busy, because I know that if I don't the darkness creeps in and I fall to bits. I found this today a bit. I decided yesterday I was going to give my room a really good spring clean today, and then got up and got started and then got to a point after about an hour of not knowing what to do, and sitting on my bed staring at rubbish music TV and faffing. And I had to really force myself to get up and carry on.

Ohhhhh this all makes no sense. I'm going to go to bed now.

Love love love xxx

Just got back from Lancaster visiting Liz and Jim. Great weekend.

This now might become a bit babbly and nonsensical but there is a lot going on in my head and I reckon writing it down might sort it out for me a bit so here goes...

I miss Lancaster so much. This is the first time I've been in over a year where I haven't cried. Until now I've only been twice and both times were because I really needed to, first for Liz and Jim's wedding, and second for Ivy and Violet's christening. And I went to both of those knowing it would hurt and knowing that I'd find it hard, but still going ahead with going because I knew I couldn't let such good friends down for such selfish reasons. This weekend is the first time I've really wanted to go. I guess I just felt ready and like it was time to face it head on. It sounds stupid and melodramatic saying this about a place, but Lancaster and me and Chris were so massively intertwined that I was unable to think of one without thinking of the other. And going to and being in Lancaster just hurt so much, and it made me so sad because I wanted to be able to think about Lancaster and smile, because genuinely, it was the best time of my life.

So, this Saturday I went. And despite a few car issues on the way there I got there safe and sound, and me and Liz went for a picnic in Williamson Park. Williamson Park is one of my favourite places in the world. It was a place I used to escape to and it's where I chose to go on my last day in Lancaster. I have a photo of me from that day on top of Ashton Memorial in my bedroom, and I just look so happy. Then we went up to campus for a little wander, it's changed so much since I was there! When we got back to the house Jim was home and we had a lovely dinner and then went to see Harry Potter, which I thought was great, although not enough like the book.

This morning we went to Chaplaincy which was really strange for me, but also brilliant. Chaplaincy was the church where I really felt like I belonged, and I've not found that since. I miss that most of all. Saw Steve too for the first time in 3 years, which is far too long (for me anyway, probably not long enough for him!), so that was great, although didn't get to chat as much as I'd have liked. Although if I had I very well might have cried, there is so much to say to him. Might send him a letter this week if I get a minute.

Then we went to the Waterwitch for lunch, which was really nice. It's not the same old Waterwitch I know and love but it's close enough. And it was just lovely to be out with a group of people. I don't have a group here and I miss it. And most of today's group were people I didn't even know really, but it was still great. After that we went to see Violet and Ivy and James and Ailsa and that was wonderful. The twins are so big now and it was brilliant to see them all. I wish I could see these people more often.

Set off home but ended up taking myself off for a very random drive. I went right up to Hornby to see the school and Hornby Castle which I love, and the sheep lift (legendary!), then back towards Quernmore and Moor hospital which is a building that totally intrigues me and reminds me of Hogwarts, past Williamson Park. Then right up through Galgate into the sticks, up to Jubilee Tower where I stopped and just looked out over this fantastic place for a while. And I smiled. All these happy memories were whizzing round my head and for those few minutes I forgot all the crap and just smiled.

Then came home. If I'm totally honest I have had a bit of a cry since I got back. For reasons that I can't quite say. I miss Lancaster, I miss Uni, I miss my life there. I sometimes think about moving back there. One day I hope I will. After the break up I had no reason left to be up there. And didn't want to be out there on my own. But really there is quite a little collection of friends up there. So sometime maybe I might move back. I think what it is really is that I miss that group of friends I had in Lancaster. Liz, Jim, Daffy, Matt, Beckie, Laurie, Jilly, James, Ailsa, Marianne, Steve C, Lauren, Tim. These are all people I have such a massive love for and I hate that I don't see them more, and I'm totally useless at keeping in touch which I'm annoyed with myself for, but these people are so important to me and are such a big part of my life and I miss them. I have never had friends like them. Now I'm at home I've found it an uphill struggle to make friends. I have a lot of aquaintances, but I have very few people I can really rely on, who never let me down and are there whatever. I find myself constantly being cancelled on which is disheartening when I try so hard with people. But these special friends, and one or two from Smarties as well, are the kind of people who understand me and amaze me and inspire me and who I just love a lot. And I know this sounds slushy and sentimental, but actually I don't care, because they matter that much. And I hope they will be friends for life. I hope I always know these people and they are always a part of me. But I think that was one of the main reasons I cried. A small part of it I know is a self pitying part of me that I don't really like that wishes my plans had come off, that I'd stayed up there after graduating and that me and Chris had worked out etc etc. But I can see reason now in why that didn't happen, and even though it has been far from easy, I know it has probably been for the best.

So. To those people, if they are reading this, which I know one or two will be, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for being a part of my life, for loving me, for being there for me and for being my friends. You're awesome and I love you a lot.

Love love love xxx

Back much sooner than I thought I would be.

Just been to church, and found it a really uncomfortable place to be. Back when Elizabeth died when I was at Uni, I found church the most unhelpful place to be ever, and didn't go for a while. I think mainly because I was so angry with God that she'd gone and I didn't know why. And ever since then it's been a bit of a struggle getting back into it really, but it was starting to happen. Then after me and Chris split up I hadn't been going because weekends were spent travelling to and from Preston, and when we broke up I started gradually going again up to the point where I have been going every week and I'm in housegroup and go to various other events when the fancy takes me. And I have made some friends there again and remade old friends. But the last few weeks it feels like it's been harder and harder to be there. It feels so cliquey which is something I just can't deal with. There's YF as a big group. There's a group of people in their late 20s/early 30s. And then there are just a few of us in the middle. But that number in the middle is very small and is not there every week so some weeks I feel like the only one, and even if we're all there, we're not like a "group" really. I just feel like I don't fit anywhere. The peace is by far the worst part for me. It's always so long, and all the "friends" have a good old chat and I just end up sitting there. And even worse, are the days, like today, where we are told to go and talk to someone we don't know. Which is something that makes me SO uncomfortable.

I almost feel like I want to find a new church, where I can fit. But I can't think of anywhere round here that I would, plus, I wouldn't want to lose the few friendships and links I do have at Aldridge.

I genuinely think I'm at a difficult church age. There are often a lot of teenagers in churches like Aldridge, then they go to Uni. Then the ones who do move back sometimes come back and sometimes go somewhere else, a lot move away, and a lot stop going to church when they're at Uni anyway. Then people start to come back when they settle down and start to have families and stuff, when they're just that bit older. So I think there is a real gap there between 20 and 30 that is really hard. I think it doesn't help at Aldridge that everyone else is all coupled up. I don't think I have one single friend left at church now. Oh no, I tell a lie, there are 2 I can think of but neither of them come very regularly. So it feels almost like I am excluded from their activities because I'm not a couple. I might just be perceiving this wrong, but that's certainly how it feels.

Oh I am such a whingy old bag. It just frustrates me that church is making me feel this way. On a Sunday night this is the last feeling you want, ready for the week ahead. Suggestions of solutions on a postcard.

Love love love xxx

Very busy couple of weeks ahead!

This week I'm trying to tie up all the loose ends, get everything filled in and passed on that needs doing. Visiting my new school on Tuesday which I'm looking forward to but also a bit nervous about at the same time. All a bit overwhelming. On Thursday it's our secretary's leaving do, then over the weekend I'm off up to Lancaster to see Liz - yey! And Harry Potter - yey! Then the week after I've got my class party, then the disco, another leaving do, followed by Sax Tim and Ruth coming followed by my leaving do followed by night away for parents anniversary.... and breathe! Am just hoping new school don't want me in those 2 days after we break up, so I can pop back to Holy Trinity on the Thursday morning to finish clearing up and then am free to see Sax Tim and Ruth. Although they can't make me go in can they, not employed by them officially till September. But also hope that they will be open over hol so I can get to grips with everything!

So yeah, it's probably all going to be a bit mental! But also good. And sad because I don't really want to leave still.

Will update as soon as I get a moment, might be a couple of weeks. Depends how much procrastinating I want to do!

Love love love xxx

This is going to be about Michael Jackson. This is not something I would normally do but sort of wanted to.

I'm not going to make out that Michael was a saint. I'm not going to say he was the greatest man that ever lived. I didn't know Michael Jackson. But what I do believe is that his heart was in the right place. He may or may not have got it wrong. But I don't believe for a second that he was a malicious person. And I don't think anybody on this earth has the right to judge him. Only God can judge us.

I'm just watching the end part of the tribute on TV, and I have to say, the whole thing is making me a bit uncomfortable. The fact that his coffin is there freaks me out a bit. But it's more what people are saying. The music has been great and some of the speeches have been great - the ones that are personal memories. But a few have been SO political and I just think, you know what, this is not the time or place. There's just been a congress woman on, who I don't know, but she was reeally aggressive in the way she spoke. I think that's my main issue. That people are coming across so aggressive and wittering on about racism and rights and even the court case. I just think, surely this should be about Michael, it shouldn't have any other agenda. I don't know, I might just be a bit mad. But I think about ANY memorial for ANYONE, that it should be about that person. It shouldn't be about anything else at all.

So, the top and bottom is... I don't know a whole lot about Michael Jackson. I like his music. But I don't really know anything else about him. And neither do a lot of other people. So very few people can really say very much about him. But I do know that he was taken too young, and I do know that I wish I'd met him.

Also, on a side note, Shaheen from Britain's Got Talent has just performed, and while I think it's great that he's out there and being heard, I think it's expecting a lot of him to perform there. This is like a global event that is going to be remembered for a really long time and I think that's a lot of pressure for a kid. I have a proper issue about kids being in the spotlight. Even Michael's kids, I think it's so awful that they have to be there. I certainly wouldn't want that if I was them. But hey, what do I know? I'm probably just rabbiting on about something I have no idea about.

Love love love xxx

Two posts in a day, I know, a bit keen, and it's not like I'm pushed for something to do, lots on, but just felt like having a little blog. Copying and pasting first post here:

Something I forgot to post ages ago, is that I really love the song '15 minutes' by The Yeah You's. I heard it ages ago and instantly liked it which is unusual for me and I still love it. Sounds like a cross between Take That and Robbie Williams, which I know is stupid cos he was in Take That but they sort of have different sounds these days.

So anyway, give it a listen :)

The Yeah You's - 15 minutes

Love love love xxx

Now second one...

Pelsall Carnival day today, not been to it really for years, probably since before Uni. It's not as good as it used to be. And I'm not just looking with rose tinted spectacles, but there used to be so many floats, and now we're lucky if there are 5 or 6. And when I was a kid there were always competitions, village show styleee, like cake baking, and veg growing and all that malarkey. I know this because I used to win them. But now there is none of that. The marquee these days is tiny and hardly has anything in it really. The biggest attraction now seems to be the car boot sale, which I must confess I've never really seen the appeal of. And the fair of course but I'm not even a big fan of that now they've got rid of the big wheel and the helter skelter. Hehehe I sound like such an old woman "not like it was in my day" style!

Ordered some wellies today ready for Greenbelt. Beckie sent me an amazing website with cool wellies on, I had SUCH a job picking, have ordered some turquoise ones with pink and navy daisies on them in the end in the hope that they will go with most things (because heaven forbid my wellies don't match my outfit hehehe). Anyway, website is www.fredsclothing.co.uk if anyone wants to have a looky.

Very much looking forward to Greenbelt. Last time I went I don't think I really did it properly. All we had really gone for was Vender (ah, back in the day!) and so I think we missed a lot of stuff by not really paying attention. So far there's quite a list of stuff I want to do/see. Rob Bell is obviously a must, he's the main reason I wanted to go. In fact, his book, Sex God, is one of the best things I have ever read (can't remember if I've written about it before, but if not, I genuinely think everyone should read it. In fact I would even go so far as to say that it should be compulsory reading for everyone). I also want to catch Tim Hughes, Andy Flannagan, Simon Mayo and some of the comedy stuff. Last Orders was my favourite thing last time I went, like a chat/music/comedy show thing that was on last thing every evening. Then there's other stuff I've seen on the website that looks good, Greenbelt Oscars, Gospel Choir, ohhh just so much. Me and Jilly will have to have a good sit down when we get there and get our highlighters out (like proper teachers) and work out what we want to do. OH! And how could I forget, Athlete have just confirmed, really want to see them!

Right, real reason for writing again, is because I've had some music on all day while I've been working, dug out an old playlist on Media Player and thought I'd share some songs with you all (woop). Putting on YouTube links, but some of them aren't official videos, is just an easy way to hear them.

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet - I LOVE this song. And I think the video is amazing. It's a song of hope and goodness and I just love it.

Janelle - Amazing - this is a video my friend Jo made for her little girl Hannah. I love the song on it but have no idea if there's an official video or not. YouTube comes up with loads of stuff from the film Twilight. But to me this song's video is Jo's, it fits so nicely and is just fantastic.

Kate Rusby - My Young Man - again, not an official video because it's never been a single, just a montage thing really. But this song is brilliant. It reminds me of my Grandad. In fact both my Grandads really, but especially Grandad Jack because he died of emphacaema which is what this song is about, although he wasn't a miner, her just smoked like everyone else did in those days. I think the moment when the brass band comes in is just beautiful. And her voice is amazing.

Colbie Caillat - Magic (piano version) - I just love the piano version of this. I wrote about it a few months ago. There isn't an official piano version video so this video isn't great, but the song is lovely. I would suggest minimising the video and just having a listen.

Jason Mraz - I'm yours - Well we all know by know that I love old Jase, and I think this song just epitomises his sound, so summery and so happy and it just makes me smile every time I hear it.

Eva Cassidy - Danny Boy - In my opinion the most beautiful version of this song ever. I sung it a few weeks ago at the music festival and just hope I did it justice. Her voice is stunning.

Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat - Lucky - 2 of my faves together, need I say more?

Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff - Summertime - I know it's sad and everything, but I just love it! Can't beat the Fresh Prince! And the video is genius. All that early 90s fashion!

Taylor Swift - White Horse - this is such a sad song. When I first heard it the line "I'm not a princess this ain't a fairytale" really made me sad. But I think it is a really pretty song.

Taylor Swift - Fifteen - I wrote about this a few weeks ago. Think it's brill.

Daniel Merriweather - Red - I think Daniel Merriweather has a great voice. Yes I do.

Dum Dums - Closer to you - I miss the Dum Dums.

Dum Dums - Army of Two - I think this is one of the greatest songs the Dums ever did. And coupled with the bonus track that came on the end of it on the CD it was immense. The bonus track never had a name on the CD but if you can ever find Sail Away by them, it is just beautiful. They also did amazing videos for 'Can't get you out of my thoughts' and 'You do something to me' (where they dressed up as women). Would recommend a watch!

McFly - The Heart Never Lies - Oh my actual goodness. I just love it. And live, well, it is amaaaarrrrrrzing!

MyFly - Lies - One of the best McFly songs ever in my opinion. Very odd video though...

Jaylene Johnson - Butterfly Girl - Don't really know what this video is! Tribute to Dakota Fanning, couldn't find anything else. But this song is very empowering I think.

Aqualung - Brighter than sunshine - I think this has a lovely sentiment.

Snow Patrol - Crack the shutters - I might have written about this before. I want someone to sing this about me one day. Not great quality sound on this one.

Adele - Make you Feel my Love - I used to love the Kelly Clarkson version of this, which I still do, but this one is a bit more raw and the sound is less produced and I really like it.

Lifehouse - You and me - I first heard this on Gavin and Stacey and thought it was really pretty.

Lifehouse - Everything - This isn't an official video, but I think it's quite nice. I've always liked this song ever since I 'discovered' Lifehouse on holiday in America in 2001. It's the bit where the sound just explodes, I think it's so powerful. And the words just amaze me.

And the last one for today OneRepublic - Say (All I need) - I just love the sound of this. And the lyrics are incredible.

Now, I expect you're all feeling a bit bored. I don't expect anyone to watch/listen to all of those, is just so that you can if you want to. Really it is just a chance for me to be totally self indulgent about some of the music I love. I will try to restrain myself now for a few weeks! Would love to know what you all think though, feel free to leave comments.

Love love love xxx

Helloooo

Not really a whole lot to report today. Absolutely shattered, has been a tiring few weeks and I have so much to do this weekend that I know I won't get a proper rest. Bring on the holidays!

I got my photos back from Eileen Mason's this week. Can't give you a high quality version as it's a photo of a photo but here is one of my faves. If you want to see the rest, well, you'll just have to come and visit won't you?

Going to visit my new school in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to it, might make it all seem a bit more real, and also will know a bit more about what I need to do so that will be good.

Right, going off to watch Horne and Corden now cos I love it and have a secret crush on James Corden. Well, not so secret now, obviously.

Love love love xxx

Hello blog fans

Well, the school never got back to me. I phoned them after interview number 2 and they said they were going to EMAIL me later that day. Which also never happened. But an email, seriously, are they KIDDING?! No thankyou!

BUT... I got job number 2! Hurray! So as of September I'm employed by Wolverhampton LA working in year 5 yay!

Has been very odd, don't think it's really sunk in yet. The last 2 weeks in particular have been awful job-wise, because of so little coming up and not hearing anything back from people, and I genuinely had reached breaking point with it and couldn't see any way forward, and now there is one it's great but it's really hard to absorb!

Anyway, must go to bed but thought I'd just let you know the news :)

Love love love xxx

Oh how irritating. Have been waiting all day for a phonecall and still not had one. And in an even worse position now. I have another interview tomorrow in a school further away that I know less about, which I was hoping not to have to even go to. But now I'm panicking that if I get offered the job there I might then later get offered the job at the first one and be totally scuppered. Which is all very wishful thinking cos I might not get offered either, but ugh how annoying is this?! I don't see why they haven't called. Is driving me bonkers. Am sort of assuming now that I haven't got it but surely they have to let me know properly and officially? And soon?

Just a quick one today.

Very eventful week, had a minor breakdown on Tuesday about the job situation and then half an hour later got offered an interview and felt a bit stupid. Anyway, was interview today, think it went okay but it's unlikely I'll hear before Wednesday because they've got Ofsted on Monday and Tuesday, and am assuming since I haven't heard yet tonight that yes, it will indeed be Wednesday. Which is like some kind of bizarre torture. Usually a few hours is bad enough. This way I have 5 hours to dwell on things I forgot to say. I keep thinking it'll all be worth it if I get it but if I don't I will have endured 5 days of this for nothing.

Anyway, as I said, a quick one today, just thought that was newsworthy(ish).

Love love love xxx

A day of big contrasts yesterday.

Went to have my eyes tested first thing in the morning in Walsall. Walsall in the summer is so not a good place to be I don't think. There is always too much of a smell of greasy burgers, too many chavvy shops blasting out horrible music and the great unwashed wearing clothes totally inappropriate to body size. I know this makes me sound very snobby, but honestly, it has to be seen to be believed. I'm sure a lot of the people that shop in Walsall are some other species. Not all of them, but I think the normos are outnumbered by this other breed. So, lovely start...

Then I went off to Birmingham to do a bit of shopping, and the Bullring was just mentally mad so I decided to venture out onto New Street for a bit of a wander. Anyway, since I'm going to the Mailbox for my leaving do I thought it'd be a good idea to work out exactly where it was in relation to the city centre so I followed the signs down to it, and actually it's a lot closer than I'd thought. The walk there was quite nice because it wasn't really busy, just a sensible amount of people, and it was lovely and sunny. Walked through the mailbox and up to the restaurants and bars on the canal and that was great, cos it was just about lunchtime so there were lots of people milling about and sitting out, but it still wasn't ridiculously crowded (sensing a theme here?!). Just a really chilled out nice place to be at that time of day I thought. Then I walked over the bridge and down the canal to Gas Street Basin (for those of you that don't live near Birmingham I realise this is all a bit meaningless, so what you'll have to do is come and visit me and I'll take you for a lush day out!) and over the many bridges down there to get across (I know it's always the cliche but it really did remind me of Venice. I've been to all the Venices now, the real one, Bruges "the Venice of the North" and Birmingham "the Venice of *I can't remember what goes here*" - but it does have more miles of canal than Venice). And from Gas Street Basin I went across to Brindley Place which is just one of the best bits of Birmingham I think, similar to the top of the Mailbox, all the people sitting out, can't beat it. Then back through the ICC and into Centenary Square which is brilliant too, just on the side of Broad Street. And then back into the city centre. So it was a lovely little wander, just going where my feet took me, not stressing about where I was going. Just brilliant. You really can't beat that area of Birmingham in the sunshine.

But. Then I had to brave the Bullring again, bits and bobs to get and back through to the train. It was soooo rammed, and so many of the shops seem to have no structure or organisation, just random stuff plonked in random places all squashed in so everyone's smashing into each other. And normally I quite like the Bullring, but I think it was just too hot and too crowded yesterday. I need to go when there are not so many people there, it's just too much otherwise.

So yeah, day of contrasts but my overwhelming feeling about it was pretty good, the walk around really perked me up. I really think I have that Seasonal Affective Disorder thing, everything just seems so much better in the sunshine.

Today I'm just finishing off a bit of planning, trying to get 2 weeks worth done so I've got a bit of time off next weekend and so I've got time in the week to focus on jobs and other bits and bobs.

Had the dream again last night, really frustrating. I'm hoping it's just my brain's way of working through everything and getting it out of my system and that it'll be over soon.

Anyway, ramble ramble ramble, shush Hannah.

Love love love xxx

Not a brilliant week so far. Nothing particular has really happened, few awkward parents, but nothing of note really. I'm just feeling very tired and a bit emotional and a bit drained and a bit lots of other stuff.

Job situation is really really really stressing me now. The lack of suitable jobs is the main issue. And I've applied for as many as I possibly can and not heard back from any. I've had my applications and letters checked by more people than I care to think of and still nothing.

And today, I've been feeling very down. I watched Sex and the City last night (the film) and it made me cry. Had only watched it once before and had forgotten that it has made me sad. Anyway, brought back a lot of old rubbish, and then last night I had the recurring dream again. For the first time in a few months. And it just hit me really hard this time. I woke up absolutely gutted wanting to scream and wanting to cry and wanting to curl up and stay asleep forever because in my sleep I could be happy. Ahhh, unless you know the dream that probably makes no sense. But I feel like I've been dragging myself around all day, and by the end of school today I just really really wanted a lovely big hug from a nice man. Nothing funny. Just a nice man hug. I miss that.

I could probably write reems more and also pontificate about several songs I've listened to today but I expect you're all getting a bit bored of it.

Fingers crossed for a nice tomorrow.

Love love love xxx

Hello hello

So long time no blog. Went to Matt and Beckie's last week. Was nice to get away and to see them, and the sun didn't hurt either. Got stuck on the way home as per usual though... although windows wound down and radio on is a pretty good way to be. Then back to school this week, been an okay one, some of my boys are creating again but ah well, it's Friday!

I had my first go today on my new Wii EA Active thingy. I did an easy 20 minute circuit today (that's what it was called, I fail to believe it was easy) and afterwards every time I stood up my legs were like wibbly jelly. Walking downstairs was the worst thing - thought I was going to fall over! But it seems to be a pretty good program and I know it'll do me good.

Still no news on the job front. Is beginning to stress me out a bit now to be honest. There has been barely anything out in Walsall, and in South Staffs there's not been a right lot either, although there have been a few for Foundation Stage, but I'm not Foundation trained and just don't think I could do it! Just can't bear the thought of not having a job again or being stuck in some hole somewhere again. Plus it's really hard knowing my current job is coming to an end, because I don't want to leave. Really is rubbish.

I said last time I had lots to prattle about, no idea what it was, so I'm going to go...

Love love love xxx

Hello blog fans.

Been away so no update for a while but I will get back on the case as soon as possible. Lots to prattle on about - yey!

Also, the sun is out!!! Hurrah!

Love love love xxx

Brain is fried today! Finished my reports last night and the idea was to spend today planning so I had time to catch up on ironing/cleaning and that malarkey tomorrow, but my planning has been shockingly slow and poor because I just can't think anymore or in fact be bothered at all. I need a magic work fairy.

Anyway, as promised, here are some of the highlights of my summer car playlist extravaganza...

Shine - Take That (gotta love a bit of TT)
Star Girl - McFly
Lies - McFly
We are the young - McFly - need I say more?! I LOVE THEM!
Join with us - The Feeling (ring ring, beep beep)
Lollipop - Mika (he is so HAPPY!)
We built this city on rock and roll - Bruce Springsteen
She's so lovely - Scouting for girls (she's so loverlyyyyyyy)
Everything changes - Take That (ah, back in the robbie days)
Sit Down - James (love the old Sugarhouse dancing to this one!)
All the small things - Blink 182
I'm your man - Shane Richie (I just don't care how sad this makes me!)
What a fool believes - Dooby Brothers
Bring me sunshine - Morecambe and Wise
Bring it all back - S Club 7 (wahey!)
One Fine Day - S Club Juniors (it disturbs me greatly that they have not stayed children forever and that one of them is now in The Saturdays)
This Love - Maroon 5
Red Alert - Basement Jaxx
Girl all the bad guys want - Bowling for soup
Two princes - Spin Doctors (If you want to tell me maybe, just go ahead now!)
Summertime - DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince (Now this is a story all about how...)
Crash - Matt Willis (of old skool Busted fame)
Reach out - The Four Tops
Everlasting Love - The Love Affair
Man in Motion - John Parr
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond

Now this is just a sample selection, and it is actually rather an extensive list, but the above is a taster. And I am fully aware how rubbishy and ridiculous some of these songs are, but actually, I just don't care. So there. Hehehe. Until you have heard them turned up loud in your car driving along in the sunshine you have NO idea how brilliant they are!

Right, better go attempt to do something...

Love love love xxx

What an odd sort of day I've had. And an odd sort of week.

School was pretty good this week, lots to do, but good. And now it's half term so I'm busting a gut trying to write 29 school reports which I don't really have a clue what I'm doing with... nice. But I've done 12 now so only another 17 to go. Although stupidly I left the hard ones till last. Sigh.

So, before I discuss the oddness of my day, I will just say this. I don't get all the fuss about Susan Boyle. I wasn't blown away by I dreamed a dream, and was even less so by Memories tonight. She's got an okay voice, better than a lot of people, but I just don't get all this hype. I don't understand why she's suddenly become this global superstar. And I think she's at real risk from being exploited because I genuinely don't think she knows how big it's all blown up. But yeah, I just don't get it. I think she's okay, but I think there are acts in Britain's got Talent that are much better, and I don't think it would be fair for them to be pushed aside, which I think there is a real danger of.

Anyway, my day. Well, I woke up about 9, but was in one of those weird dream half awake things for a few minutes and thought it was 4 in the afternoon. So that was bizarre. Went off out to pick up a few bits and did a big detour on the way home to enable me to have a good big drive because it was sunny and I had an amazing playlist on in the car. How good do some songs sound in the sunshine? I had totally cheesy stuff on, a bit of rock, a bit of dance, a bit of swing, loads of stuff. And things I haven't heard for years. It all started with Everything Changes by Take That, and as the intro kicked in I just thought, I wish it was still the 90s. I loved music in the 90s. I still do now, I just think there was so much good stuff around then. And there wasn't this domination of indie bands which we've had for the last few years, who all begin to sound the same after a while. I guess the 90s was kind of dominated by pop, so it goes in circles, but I have to admit, I am a bit of a pop fan. So a brilliant morning, singing away in the sunshine, thinking everything was pretty fab. And then sat and wrote some reports which wasn't very exciting, broke it up by going for a little walk to make the best of the weather. And was feeling fine until about 7, and since then I have just been getting more and more tense. I can't put my finger on really why, or what's brought it on, but my mind is just racing and worrying about things, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I have to do, even stupid little everyday things like ironing. So I watched a bit of TV to try and settle myself, and it got to 12 and I thought, I just don't want to go to bed. I am actually frightened of going to bed. How stupid is that? I haven't dreaded going to bed this much in months. For quite a while bedtime was the worst time of day. It was a time when I was totally alone, in the dark, with nothing but my thoughts. And those were the days where it took hours to get to sleep, where I would wake up a couple of times a night in a panic. And I'm frightened that it's starting again. I have come so far and I don't want to go back again. I have been fighting and fighting and tonight I feel like there's no fight left in me, and I'm tired of fighting my way through. I just want it to be easy for a while. I know this post is turning into a self absorbed ramble, but I just thought if I could get some of this crap out of my head it might make it easier.

And I miss talking to people. Really talking. I'm on my own in the house this weekend, which is really nice actually, because I didn't really get any time to myself over Easter, so it is refreshing to just be able to chill on my own, and I'm fine in my own company. But just in general I miss talking to people. I still feel like I don't really have many solid friends back here. I have a lot of acquaintances, and I do have some close friends, but it still feels quite lonely here. I feel a lot of the time like I am the person arranging things and like people only come along to stuff if there's not a better offer. Which might just be my insecurities, but that's how it feels. And I've always found really talking to people hard, because I cover up my emotions with humour a lot as a way of protecting myself I suppose. So I have to be really close to someone to talk totally honestly, and those friendships are rare. And most of the people I have those with are pretty far away. And MSN and phones are all very well and good but it's not the same is it? And it's easy to forget about a text or an email if you're busy when you receive it.

Oh goodness, what a whingebucket. Right, I'm going to brave going off to bed, and hopefully tomorrow I will wake up okay, and if I don't, well then I will just have to go back to the old "keeping myself busy" plan.

And next time I will try to post something nice and also will write a list of brilliant things that were on my playlist so you can all go and recreate it for yourselves and have a roadtrip. Woop.

Love love love xxx

Before I get started today, a few little plugs for other blogs I've been reading recently.

First of all, Rich's latest blog about the MP expenses stuff - I thought it was pretty brilliant.

And also, the Trev and Simon blog, blast from the past kids TV gold, and even better they've started making a podcast which is always random and mad and makes me laugh.

And now onto my blog which probably won't be half as interesting as theirs.

Last night turned out different to the way it was planned. The Eurovision party didn't happen quite as planned, but I did watch Eurovision and also get to spend the evening with Lauren which was brilliant because she's one of my all time favourite people. I wish we'd lived together right through Uni, my second year house despite the disturbing nature of our other housemates, was one of the funnest times of my life. And the disturbing nature of our other housemates has given us enough stories to dine out on for the rest of our lives!!

The rest of yesterday was nice, had a really good sleep Friday night which doesn't happen all that often, so lovely lie in yesterday morning. And then went off to Gemma's birthday party. She is so big now, I can't believe in 2 weeks she'll have an actual real life baby. It seems a bit mad. It seems like only 2 minutes since she told us she was pregnant. Anyway, we did some predictions about the baby and I said it would be born I think on the 4th June (due 31st May), it would be 8lb4oz, blue eyes, dark brown hair, boy and born I think I said at 3.27am. Something like that anyway, can't quite remember!

This morning I was supposed to be going to aerobics with Suzie but she needs to get ready for her brother's wedding next week so we didn't. Then we were going to go to aqua aerobics tomorrow night but I'm having my hair cut then so that's not happening either. I'm hoping we can go to aqua soon though, I've been wanting to give that a go for a while. Plus I think I need to get a bit fitter. I don't do too badly, I do my dancing on a Thursday and after the holidays I might start the toning class she does just before it, and I join in with PE lessons at school quite often, and we do dancing in the classroom sometimes when I need to get the ants out of their pants. But I think it would be good to do some real cardiovascular stuff, keep me a bit more healthy. I wish I could do running really but I just hate it. I'm so bad at it and don't enjoy it so I never go out and do it. That's the main reason I'm not doing race for life this year, which I do feel a bit guilty about because I've done it every year since we lost Elizabeth, and I have raised quite a lot. But I'm hoping to do some kind of fundraising for Cancer Research UK at some point this year instead so I will still be doing something.

Oh, another couple of funny links before I go... McFly were on the JLC show this week which I watched, and honestly, I have rarely laughed so much. It was just so ridiculous and funny, and they giggled all the way through, it was brilliant. So here are the links to both parts...

McFly on JLC part 1
McFly on JLC part 2

Enjoy!

Love love love xxx

Hurray for Fridays!

Has been a really tough week this week, lots of parent problems at school which always stress me out, and then of course the not so nice dermatologist yesterday.

Went to the hospital for an injection in a scar I have, been having them for a few months now. Anyway, it was a new consultant yesterday, and he was just sooooooo not nice. He said basically that there was no point injecting it anymore because it would always be there and that if I had had treatment for my acne earlier it wouldn't even be there. Which is untrue in all senses. Since I was about 15 I have been striving for some acne treatment that works. I have tried everything there is. And nothing has made a difference. And the scar isn't even from acne, it's from a mosquito bite that got infected. And he didn't really make the experience very positive. So then he told me my face looked dreadful and he couldn't believe I hadn't done anything about it. And he asked me if anyone else had mentioned it to me, like my boyfriend, and when I said I didn't have one he said "Yes, well that is understandable". I couldn't believe it. So I got home and just sobbed, really crushed the tiny little bit of confidence I had left in myself. I work so bloody hard every morning trying to make myself feel decent enough to even want to go out of the house and for someone to say that to me really knocked me for six. And the hours I have spent telling myself that I'm not ugly and I'm not horrible and that I do deserve somebody all just feel like a waste.

Anyway, the video I posted last night was a response to that, and even though I don't usually like to do this I am going to put the lyrics on here now because they really touched me.

she's so big hearted,
but not so remarkable
just an ordinary humble girl
expecting nothing as we're made to think its a pretty person's world

but you are beautiful and you better go show it
so go look again,
you gotta be true to your own
if you really wanna go to the top
do you really wanna win?
don't believe in leaving normal just to satisfy demand

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart and all
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly

well you are fresh, your face is fabulous
don't forget your one of a kind
when nobody is checking the deeds you've done
and nobody is hearing your cries
you make all of the fashion statements just by dressing up your mind

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart and all
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly
and see the beauty in ugly

well if you wanna get free
and if you wanna do the passionate thing
and if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart and all
you should own your name and stand up tall
and get real and see the beauty in ugly
see the beauty in a ugly

A few weeks ago I spoke about the beauty in my imperfections. And even though that's really hard for me to see at the moment, the fact that someone else in this world would write a song like this, to me is amazing.

Anyway, trying not to dwell on the badness too much, I'm really looking forward to the weekend. Tomorrow I'm going to Gem's birthday party (assuming she hasn't gone into labour by then!) and then in the evening I'm having Mel and Emily over for Eurovision which I'm very excited about. I love Eurovision. And I love Mel and Emily and don't ever get to see them enough, so brill on both counts. Then Sunday I might be going to aerobics with Suzie which is good, I really want to start doing stuff like that for myself, I think it does me a lot of good, but I hate going alone. My school trip this year is canoeing and sailing which I think is going to be lots of fun, and it was suggested in the staffroom today that we go to Go Ape! Which is not really my thing because I don't like heights but I threw caution to the wind and said yes. He he. What a daredevil eh? Hahaha.

I'm really liking school at the moment. I really feel like I fit and I'm making some good friends there. I know I've been there now for almost 9 months and only have 2 more to go, so it seems rather late in the day to be feeling like this, but it has taken time to settle in, which is another reason I'm so gutted to be leaving. I really hope I can stay in touch with the people I've met there. We have a student in at the moment and I am loving that, having someone else my age (ish) around the place, it makes a nice change. And also a boy which is a change for our school! I've always got on better with boys though for as long as I can remember and I'm not really friends with that many at the moment, so I very rarely see any, so is kind of nice. And there is just a lovely group of people there I think, we really have a good time together.

Right, going to go now before I start thinking about how I have to leave or about my "dreadful" face.

EUROVISION! Wooop!

Love love love xxx

Crappy day today, had a horrible time with the dermatologist.

Sax Tim sent me this and it really made me smile.

The Beauty in Ugly - Jason Mraz

I will talk about it more next time I blog. For now...

Love love love xxx

I meant to write again on Wednesday but never quite got round to it. This is what I was going to put on...

Oh for goodness sake. Well the whole crazy happiness of yesterday has somewhat fallen on it's arse. I knew it was too good to be true. Ah well, thems the breaks. I guess it's not so bad sharing what it was now in my fluffy headness. I sort of developed a bit of a school girl crush on someone, and actually, it was all quite exciting. And even though I now know it's never going to go anywhere, it's okay. Because maybe I didn't need it to. Maybe just getting that feeling about someone again is enough. Because for the longest time I genuinely didn't think I ever would. So actually I'm remarkably upbeat about the whole situation. Plus, it did make for one heck of a brilliant day yesterday! All I need now is to feel it again and for someone to feel it back. That could be the hard part!!! But until then I shall continue to have ridiculous celebrity crushes and you know what, I may just have made a great friend. Here's hoping.

So that's what went on on Wednesday!

On Thursday I went school visiting - it was a very odd experience this week, slightly mad school... I am really beginning to detest the whole application trying to find a new job thing. The more schools I visit the more I realise I just don't want to leave where I am, and I have to, and it sucks. And I am just praying my hardest that I will get something soon somewhere NICE. Mum has been on at me quite a bit this week about how I might just have to take whatever I can get, which I know is true, but I just feel like actually, I kind of paid my dues last year with where I worked, and it would be nice to just get settled and happy somewhere. I feel like I've had enough unhappiness to last me a while. So calling all readers to keep their fingers and toes and arms and legs and eyes etc crossed that something good will happen there.

The rest of the week so far has been fairly uneventful, but I have been oddly tired. I think maybe my iron levels have dropped again. And I feel a bit like a duck swimming along. Now just bear with me... by this I mean that everything on the surface looks lovely and smooth and gentle and wonderful, but just beneath the surface I'm paddling like hell to keep going. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed I suppose... I cover it up well most of the time, but I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and I could actually see in my face how I felt which was a worry. I'm tired and I feel like I never really catch up on anything, like I'm always behind with things, and as we all know, my life isn't exactly panning out quite to plan, and trying to figure out the new plan is hard work and actually if I'm totally honest, just plain frightening.

Oh I really should go, I'm beginning to babble. I will try to say happy things next time... fingers crossed!

Love love love xxx