What an odd sort of day I've had. And an odd sort of week.

School was pretty good this week, lots to do, but good. And now it's half term so I'm busting a gut trying to write 29 school reports which I don't really have a clue what I'm doing with... nice. But I've done 12 now so only another 17 to go. Although stupidly I left the hard ones till last. Sigh.

So, before I discuss the oddness of my day, I will just say this. I don't get all the fuss about Susan Boyle. I wasn't blown away by I dreamed a dream, and was even less so by Memories tonight. She's got an okay voice, better than a lot of people, but I just don't get all this hype. I don't understand why she's suddenly become this global superstar. And I think she's at real risk from being exploited because I genuinely don't think she knows how big it's all blown up. But yeah, I just don't get it. I think she's okay, but I think there are acts in Britain's got Talent that are much better, and I don't think it would be fair for them to be pushed aside, which I think there is a real danger of.

Anyway, my day. Well, I woke up about 9, but was in one of those weird dream half awake things for a few minutes and thought it was 4 in the afternoon. So that was bizarre. Went off out to pick up a few bits and did a big detour on the way home to enable me to have a good big drive because it was sunny and I had an amazing playlist on in the car. How good do some songs sound in the sunshine? I had totally cheesy stuff on, a bit of rock, a bit of dance, a bit of swing, loads of stuff. And things I haven't heard for years. It all started with Everything Changes by Take That, and as the intro kicked in I just thought, I wish it was still the 90s. I loved music in the 90s. I still do now, I just think there was so much good stuff around then. And there wasn't this domination of indie bands which we've had for the last few years, who all begin to sound the same after a while. I guess the 90s was kind of dominated by pop, so it goes in circles, but I have to admit, I am a bit of a pop fan. So a brilliant morning, singing away in the sunshine, thinking everything was pretty fab. And then sat and wrote some reports which wasn't very exciting, broke it up by going for a little walk to make the best of the weather. And was feeling fine until about 7, and since then I have just been getting more and more tense. I can't put my finger on really why, or what's brought it on, but my mind is just racing and worrying about things, and I'm feeling overwhelmed by the amount of things I have to do, even stupid little everyday things like ironing. So I watched a bit of TV to try and settle myself, and it got to 12 and I thought, I just don't want to go to bed. I am actually frightened of going to bed. How stupid is that? I haven't dreaded going to bed this much in months. For quite a while bedtime was the worst time of day. It was a time when I was totally alone, in the dark, with nothing but my thoughts. And those were the days where it took hours to get to sleep, where I would wake up a couple of times a night in a panic. And I'm frightened that it's starting again. I have come so far and I don't want to go back again. I have been fighting and fighting and tonight I feel like there's no fight left in me, and I'm tired of fighting my way through. I just want it to be easy for a while. I know this post is turning into a self absorbed ramble, but I just thought if I could get some of this crap out of my head it might make it easier.

And I miss talking to people. Really talking. I'm on my own in the house this weekend, which is really nice actually, because I didn't really get any time to myself over Easter, so it is refreshing to just be able to chill on my own, and I'm fine in my own company. But just in general I miss talking to people. I still feel like I don't really have many solid friends back here. I have a lot of acquaintances, and I do have some close friends, but it still feels quite lonely here. I feel a lot of the time like I am the person arranging things and like people only come along to stuff if there's not a better offer. Which might just be my insecurities, but that's how it feels. And I've always found really talking to people hard, because I cover up my emotions with humour a lot as a way of protecting myself I suppose. So I have to be really close to someone to talk totally honestly, and those friendships are rare. And most of the people I have those with are pretty far away. And MSN and phones are all very well and good but it's not the same is it? And it's easy to forget about a text or an email if you're busy when you receive it.

Oh goodness, what a whingebucket. Right, I'm going to brave going off to bed, and hopefully tomorrow I will wake up okay, and if I don't, well then I will just have to go back to the old "keeping myself busy" plan.

And next time I will try to post something nice and also will write a list of brilliant things that were on my playlist so you can all go and recreate it for yourselves and have a roadtrip. Woop.

Love love love xxx