Back much sooner than I thought I would be.

Just been to church, and found it a really uncomfortable place to be. Back when Elizabeth died when I was at Uni, I found church the most unhelpful place to be ever, and didn't go for a while. I think mainly because I was so angry with God that she'd gone and I didn't know why. And ever since then it's been a bit of a struggle getting back into it really, but it was starting to happen. Then after me and Chris split up I hadn't been going because weekends were spent travelling to and from Preston, and when we broke up I started gradually going again up to the point where I have been going every week and I'm in housegroup and go to various other events when the fancy takes me. And I have made some friends there again and remade old friends. But the last few weeks it feels like it's been harder and harder to be there. It feels so cliquey which is something I just can't deal with. There's YF as a big group. There's a group of people in their late 20s/early 30s. And then there are just a few of us in the middle. But that number in the middle is very small and is not there every week so some weeks I feel like the only one, and even if we're all there, we're not like a "group" really. I just feel like I don't fit anywhere. The peace is by far the worst part for me. It's always so long, and all the "friends" have a good old chat and I just end up sitting there. And even worse, are the days, like today, where we are told to go and talk to someone we don't know. Which is something that makes me SO uncomfortable.

I almost feel like I want to find a new church, where I can fit. But I can't think of anywhere round here that I would, plus, I wouldn't want to lose the few friendships and links I do have at Aldridge.

I genuinely think I'm at a difficult church age. There are often a lot of teenagers in churches like Aldridge, then they go to Uni. Then the ones who do move back sometimes come back and sometimes go somewhere else, a lot move away, and a lot stop going to church when they're at Uni anyway. Then people start to come back when they settle down and start to have families and stuff, when they're just that bit older. So I think there is a real gap there between 20 and 30 that is really hard. I think it doesn't help at Aldridge that everyone else is all coupled up. I don't think I have one single friend left at church now. Oh no, I tell a lie, there are 2 I can think of but neither of them come very regularly. So it feels almost like I am excluded from their activities because I'm not a couple. I might just be perceiving this wrong, but that's certainly how it feels.

Oh I am such a whingy old bag. It just frustrates me that church is making me feel this way. On a Sunday night this is the last feeling you want, ready for the week ahead. Suggestions of solutions on a postcard.

Love love love xxx