Haven't written a blog of randomness for a while. So I'm back. But I don't have very long to write today so I'll try to keep it brief for once.

School is still hard work and the drive there and back is nearly killing me, it's only 10 miles but in the stupid Walsall/Wolverhampton traffic it feels like about 110.

Joined a health club which I drive past on the way to and from work and so far I've been 5 times since last Saturday which is quite impressive, and it would have been more but I've been knocked out by my first cold in about 3 years. Have mostly been swimming but I've done a little bit in the gym. Went on a powerplate today, it nearly killed me. There was me thinking it would be all easy and relaxing and after 30 seconds doing an ab crunch on it I almost can't walk - excellent. Hopefully it might get rid of the alarmingly expanding food baby though.

Went to church this morning, evangelical stylee. Not sure it's quite me but at least people have talked to me. Not been to Aldridge in almost a month and I don't think anyone's even noticed yet. Eeeeshk really not very long, dinner's ready, so bye for now!

Love love love xxx

Phew! Well has been very busy!

Work first, get that out the way. School is hard so far. I don't want to say too much more about it really, but I am having quite a hard time. But I keep my head down and I keep going.

That bit was nice and quick! Right, onto something GOOD next... went to see We Will Rock You on Thursday night with the lovely Melissa, and it was sooooooo great. Made me see Queen songs in a whole new light. I've always known Queen songs, I think you'd have to live on another planet to miss them, but I think because they're SO famous it can be easy to not really listen to them anymore. A real highlight for me on Thursday was Sombody to Love that Scaramouche sang, she had a phenomenal voice and it was a really heartfelt performance. The whole show was great; funny, sad, hopeful... just fantastic. So much so in fact that I decided to go again. Which is not really like me. But Saturday was the last day in Birmingham so it wasn't the best plan I've ever had! Phoned up first thing on Saturday morning and there was one seat left, almost like it was meant to be!! So I went. And I have to say the second time was even more brilliant. The audience was much more responsive and at the end everyone was on their feet dancing and generally being a bit mental. It was just amazing. And totally different highlight this time, which was No one but you (aka Only the good die young). It actually made me fill up. Just a massive goosebump moment. So I've had that on repeat ever since. Play the Game was fantastic too. And, weirdly, I think one of the things that made a difference for me on Saturday was that I was on my own. Not for a second saying that was better than going with Melissa!!!!! Because I love her and was great to go with her! But when I do stuff like that by myself I feel free. And I feel free to be myself and so for example, I had no problem standing up and having a dance, whereas I know if I was with other people I would probably be a bit self conscious about it. And I got to thinking, does anybody actually KNOW me anymore? The me that I am now? At Uni I think a fair few people really knew me and I could be completely myself with them. And even after Uni for a bit. And of course during that period Chris knew me. But if he met me now he'd meet a very different person. But it makes me sort of sad to think nobody knows the real me now... maybe I'm wrong, maybe they do. And there are certainly people that know me pretty well. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I want someone to share my life with.

Now, from the good experience to the bad... church. I went to Joshua's christening at St Thomas' this morning. St Thomas' has never been my favourite place in the world, it's always been a bit odd even from my AYF days, and hadn't been for a really long time until today. And even though Richard T is great, it still just gives me really funny vibes. And I was sat there this morning thinking, I just don't fit. And not just at St Thomas'. In church in general. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. And after speaking with a couple of people about it, most notably Hoyland, I've started to wonder about being single in the church and if anybody fits. I'm thinking mainly of females here. Because, let's face it, there are not many men IN the church in comparison to women, and a lot of churches frown upon non-Christian unions (sweeping generalisation there but my experience so far), so surely in that case, there will always be single women within the church, but it seems like the church wants to ignore this. What I'm saying here might not be very clear and well thought out yet but hopefully the gist is there. In my experience of church at the moment, I am moreorless the only single female. Most people my age are already married. Obviously the youth group are mainly single or dating so they are not married, but then they are young (I know I'm hardly over the hill but in church terms it sometimes seems like it). But because all of these people are married, it means anybody single is a minority. These married couples socialise together, and so they should, and that's a comfortable state. As soon as you throw someone single into the mix it's harder. The world is not geared up for singletons. I would feel weird going out for dinner with just a married couple for instance. Because in the back of my mind I would feel like they would rather be on their own and also like a gooseberry. And I know the problem in that situation is all with me, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. Oh I don't know quite what point I'm trying to make here. But if I'm feeling like this being single in church at the age of 24 that really worries me. Because 24 is really not old. Christians in my experience get married a lot younger than a lot of the rest of society. So at 24 I am made to feel like I'm left on the shelf, and that shouldn't be the case at all. And I shouldn't have to have patronising married people telling me how wonderful it is that I have more time to dedicate to God if I'm single. I think maybe part of my reason for being quite so bitter about this behaviour is from the time I was told I should be single forever because I was damaged. Nice. But the last thing a single person (or me at least) wants to hear is a married person telling them how wonderful it is to be single. If it was so wonderful then why did they get married?!

Oh I don't know. I'm just a bit disenchanted with it all. And more than a bit annoyed by the attitude that I'm single for the long haul because I'm 24. I mean, who knows, I might be (although I really hope not because that's not what I want for myself AT ALL), but it shouldn't be assumed. It reminds me of the Lily Allen song 22, which says:

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say
Till the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age.

Why should anyone feel like they've been written off because they're not married? Being single doesn't make me any less of a person than someone who's married. It might not be the state I want to be in forever but it still doesn't make me any more incomplete than anyone else.

Right, anyway, I'm going to go now and try to process some of this into actual logical thoughts.

Love love love xxx

Bloggety blog...

So, I've done my first 2 days at the new job with no kids. Feeling very much apprehensive about the whole thing and quite terrified of tomorrow!! Must be brave...

Update on the last blog is that I've decided against leading housegroup for the time being. Just feel like it is totally the wrong time. Job wise I know I'm going to be stupidly busy based on what I've seen so far, and church wise, well, it's in a state of disarray really. Don't really know what to do with myself there. I'm quite thankful that I have Melissa to share it with, even though I'm not thankful she's feeling like me about it, because at least we're both in the same boat and can try to get out of it together. That was such a bad sentence.

The morning after my last blog I woke up pretty late, after my camping sleep of the weekend, and really wanted to cry. And I have NO idea why. I pulled myself together though. I think maybe I was just overtired or something. Although I've been a bit weepy all week really, almost cried during Athlete on Monday night and did have a cry on Thursday at school. Although that was because I was totally overwhelmed by information and by the thought of how much I would need to do to get things to a standard I'm happy with. I think I'm more stressed about it than I'd realised really, I thought I was quite laid back about it (for me anyway), but actually I don't think I am, and I'm basing this on my sleep pattern... I have been sleeping but I've been really tense in the night, waking up with aching muscles and my cheeks and tongue have been bitten to shreds which only ever happens when I'm stressing about something. Plus I've been having horrific dreams for the last few nights and dreaming is often a sign that things aren't quite right. I went for a massage on Wednesday to try and sort out the ache which did really help actually but it's started to come back again now. Might have a nice hot bath. Oh this is so uninteresting.

Right, I'm off to do some washing and ironing for a few minutes I think, rock n roller that I am. Then bath and bed ready for my trek across the M6 tomorrow morning, woohoo!

Love love love xxx

September already - how quick did that come around?!

So, just got back from Greenbelt Festival and am going to attempt to write something intelligible about it. At nearly 11pm. After 4 days of no sleep. Could be interesting.

Drove down on Friday morning and met up with the lovely Jilly. We got to the racecourse and had to wait in a very strange queueing system waiting to get in and I ate faaaaar too many chocolate fingers. Had a long drive round the campsite when we got in because we didn't understand Steve's directions at all but finally found him and after much comical car maneuvering we got there and got our tents up.

On Friday evening we went off down to the festival village to see Andy Flannagan in the Big Top but we were a bit late and didn't really understand what was going on which was a shame because I bet he was brilliant. Very odd venue, really dark I thought with not great sound.

Then, brilliantly, we went to a talk called "Birmingham: It's not sh*t". In which it was proved that it kind of is but we love it anyway. It was very funny. Met up with Rich, Matt and Becki from church there too which was nice.

After that we went to the mainstage to see yFriday who were pretty good. Then we went to this thing called Pyro-Theology which in the write up sounded brilliant, but in reality was very weird and more than a little bit disappointing, particularly in that there was no fire. Unless you count a match that was lit for about 2 seconds. Which I don't. It seemed to me to be about burning the establishment... very odd... didn't really get it if I'm honest. We met Sax Tim and Ruth though so that was nice. Then went to Last Orders. The one and only time I went to Greenbelt before we went to Last Orders every night, it was a sort of interview, music, comedy thingy, and was really good. So we went off to it but the presenters couldn't interview and weren't at all funny so as soon as Stu G had done his little set we went and didn't go the rest of the weekend. Is a shame cos I'd remembered that being dead good.

Saturday was a big stress. Rob Bell was on in Centaur (the big inside venue) at 10am but we really wanted to see Trent Vineyard there at 9 and the venue was being cleared between the two so we knew if we did that we'd be at the back of the queue and wouldn't get in. So we left 20 mins early to queue by which time the queue was ridiculously big. But. We felt really bad for Trent because they were great and had been put on at a stupid time anyway, made stupider by the fact that people couldn't go if they wanted to see Rob Bell. At 10.15 they finally started letting people in, Rob started at 10.20 cos he had a lot to get through and limited time, we got in at 10.40 and people finished coming in about 11. It was an absolute shambles. Which was gutting because he was amazing to listen to. He was doing his Drops Like Stars talk which is about suffering and creativity, and it was brilliant. Steve didn't get in to see him which was a real shame because I know he'd wanted to and he's only joined the queue a tiny bit after us. I don't understand why the organisers put him on in a venue that wasn't big enough for the demand. There is no bigger indoor venue and I guess outdoors it's harder to hear a speaker, but surely they knew he'd be really popular. I mean, they could have put a screen up somewhere else, it's not like you needed to be in the room. And we were under the impression that all the talks would be available to buy afterwards but that one isn't, so for those of us that missed the first bit, and the people that missed it all, it's really rubbish. I know a lot of people, myself included, would list Rob Bell as their main reason for going to GB09 so it was a bit hopeless that it didn't quite work.

After lunch we went to see Alistair McGrath talking mainly about Richard Dawkins, which was really interesting. Then to a thing called Tickling in Public: Here we go again, which really was a children's poetry thing, but it was quite good fun. It was a bit lengthy for me but it gave us a nice sit down in the sun.

That day we also saw Quench's last ever gig and Stu G. Quench were quite good, but they were a bit shouty which was odd cos they're not usually. And the venue was strange, it was the Underground which is a bit small and hot and dark and the smoke machines played havoc with my contact lenses! We left a bit early to go to see Stu G do an acoustic set in the Performance Cafe, and yet again came so close to not getting in, but managed to wangle front row seats. Well, floor if we're honest, so close together that it took about half an hour for my legs to recover afterwards, but an amazing location for a fantastic set. A real highlight was his cover of Umbrella by Rihanna which I don't really like, but he made it good. And he's just amazingly talented, he records bits as he goes along and layers them on top of each other, it just sounds incredible. So that was fab.

Sunday morning was Greenbelt Communion with no communion because of swine flu but we missed most of it because my blood sugar went low after the first little bit, but it wasn't really our cup of tea anyway so we didn't mind too much. Luckily it meant we were in time to start queueing for Rob Bell again because we wanted to be sure we'd get in. This time he spoke about The two kinds of now, which was about ageing and renewal and was really very interesting and thoughful, and we got in in time this time which I was soooo pleased about. We'd wanted to go and see Bishop Gene Robinson after that but by the time Rob had finished he'd already started so might try to catch up on his talks on the website.

It was really Rob Bell day on Sunday, because he was doing an interview in the evening, so we got some tea and went and sat ready for that which this time was outside. Before him was a guy called Sami Awad who spoke about the trouble in Israel and Palestine as a Palestinian. It was really interesting. I have to admit I don't really understand quite what's happening there so some parts were lost on me, but I found his talk really engaging and interesting. Then Rob Bell in conversation was great. It was basically a question time and I just think he is really sound and really knows his stuff. And there is a real honesty in him. His style is so engaging, I didn't find my mind wandering any of the times I saw him which is unusual for me. I would really recommend his book Sex God (if I haven't already at some point) and also his new one, Drops Like Stars. Can't recommend Velvet Elvis yet cos still not finished it, but Sex God especially I found to be brilliant.

After Rob, we stayed for the Big Sing which was led by John Bell of Iona fame. That was brilliant, I loved that when I went to Iona, it's amazing how quickly they get everyone singing and sounding so good.

We didn't really go to much else that night. Popped up to Soul Space on a hunt for Hoyland because we'd heard he was up there, and we left him a note, but we ended up sitting on a bench just chatting most of the evening, after a quick trip to bookshop and music shop. Which was great. Jilly is fab and so good to talk to. I found myself really opening up to her this weekend which I find hard to do so it was a really good time for me. She quite possibly was thinking "Argh, shut UP!".

Nearly done now. Monday. We went to Andy Flannagan first thing in the morning and didn't miss the beginning, hurray, and he was great. We had a great time of sung worship but just wished it lasted longer, cos there was something else on in the venue straight after. Stupid venue for worship though, it was the place Quench had been so really small, and there was this barrier between the stage and us, which Andy said was rather counterproductive. It was really silly. But he was fantastic and it was a great time of worship.

Had a little wander round then went up to track down Hoyland at about 12, and he was there! YAY! So we went for a walk with him and ate cheesy bread and had a talk and he of course came out with lots of wise things and it was sooooo lovely to see him again.

Then we set off to see Tim Hughes which we were really looking forward to, he was in Centaur which was much better for a worship venue but really irritatingly we didn't get in. Even after queueing. Gutted. After Andy Flannagan we were so up for it and it was so annoying to not get in, and not be able to join in elsewhere through the power of a screen. I so intend to write to Greenbelt with this point about this venue. It is just ridiculous.

So. We went to a place that had been set up for worship with installations and stuff, but there wasn't really anything to do, it was quite child focussed. So went back and had tea.

In the evening we went to see Cornershop (Brimful of Asha) on Mainstage, but we left after that song and several others, because they were so dull! No stage presence whatsoever and everything sounded the same, and everything was on 2 notes. Really disappointing I thought. So we went to play a game of Testament Trumps which didn't really work with just 2 of us but gave us a giggle.

Then back to mainstage for Athlete. Who we thought we only knew one song of. That was a terrible sentence grammar wise. As was that. But we thought we only knew Wires. But turns out we knew loads, and they were amaaaaarrrrrzing! Plus my love of men in bands returned for the 500th time this weekend. They were really great, fantastic headline act to finish. We went to get our CDs signed afterwards and had a photo with them. Great time to have a photo taken with famous people, after not washing for 4 days. Nice.

Today we've packed up, gone for lunch in Cheltenham, I took Jilly back to the airport and then came home for a lovely wash and a lovely bed.

Lots more I could say but I don't have the energy now, so sure it'll be remembered over the next few posts, but what I will say is that it was great to catch up with the Charmans this weekend, and to meet the other people we were camping with. It was lovely to spend some time with Jilly since this time last year we'd only just really become friends. And it was great to be at Greenbelt. I hadn't known if I'd like it, thought it might be a bit hippy. Last time I went we went for Vender and didn't really engage in much else. But I didn't really think it'd be my cup of tea. But actually there is something for absolutely everyone, it just takes some good scrutinising of the incredibly confusing programme to find it all.

I will just mention before I forget to, that I had a phonecall today from the leaders of the Small Groups at church, to ask if I would prayerfully consider taking on leadership of our group as John and Gemma move to Nottingham. And I am really at a loss what to say. I've written very briefly before about church and me. It's not an easy place at the moment. I am sort of connected to 3 different churches and don't feel like I fit at any of them. And Aldridge especially I am really struggling with. So I don't know what to do. If I didn't think it would open up a whole can of worms I would say that it would be impossible to lead a small group when I was struggling to even be a member of the church. I am fairly sure that it is not something I will do. I will think about it. But I can't see my answer being yes. I'm just not sure yet how to phrase a no. Any prayers/advice/nuggets of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Goodnight.

Love love love xxx