Phew! Well has been very busy!

Work first, get that out the way. School is hard so far. I don't want to say too much more about it really, but I am having quite a hard time. But I keep my head down and I keep going.

That bit was nice and quick! Right, onto something GOOD next... went to see We Will Rock You on Thursday night with the lovely Melissa, and it was sooooooo great. Made me see Queen songs in a whole new light. I've always known Queen songs, I think you'd have to live on another planet to miss them, but I think because they're SO famous it can be easy to not really listen to them anymore. A real highlight for me on Thursday was Sombody to Love that Scaramouche sang, she had a phenomenal voice and it was a really heartfelt performance. The whole show was great; funny, sad, hopeful... just fantastic. So much so in fact that I decided to go again. Which is not really like me. But Saturday was the last day in Birmingham so it wasn't the best plan I've ever had! Phoned up first thing on Saturday morning and there was one seat left, almost like it was meant to be!! So I went. And I have to say the second time was even more brilliant. The audience was much more responsive and at the end everyone was on their feet dancing and generally being a bit mental. It was just amazing. And totally different highlight this time, which was No one but you (aka Only the good die young). It actually made me fill up. Just a massive goosebump moment. So I've had that on repeat ever since. Play the Game was fantastic too. And, weirdly, I think one of the things that made a difference for me on Saturday was that I was on my own. Not for a second saying that was better than going with Melissa!!!!! Because I love her and was great to go with her! But when I do stuff like that by myself I feel free. And I feel free to be myself and so for example, I had no problem standing up and having a dance, whereas I know if I was with other people I would probably be a bit self conscious about it. And I got to thinking, does anybody actually KNOW me anymore? The me that I am now? At Uni I think a fair few people really knew me and I could be completely myself with them. And even after Uni for a bit. And of course during that period Chris knew me. But if he met me now he'd meet a very different person. But it makes me sort of sad to think nobody knows the real me now... maybe I'm wrong, maybe they do. And there are certainly people that know me pretty well. I guess it all comes down to the fact that I want someone to share my life with.

Now, from the good experience to the bad... church. I went to Joshua's christening at St Thomas' this morning. St Thomas' has never been my favourite place in the world, it's always been a bit odd even from my AYF days, and hadn't been for a really long time until today. And even though Richard T is great, it still just gives me really funny vibes. And I was sat there this morning thinking, I just don't fit. And not just at St Thomas'. In church in general. I don't feel like I fit anywhere. And after speaking with a couple of people about it, most notably Hoyland, I've started to wonder about being single in the church and if anybody fits. I'm thinking mainly of females here. Because, let's face it, there are not many men IN the church in comparison to women, and a lot of churches frown upon non-Christian unions (sweeping generalisation there but my experience so far), so surely in that case, there will always be single women within the church, but it seems like the church wants to ignore this. What I'm saying here might not be very clear and well thought out yet but hopefully the gist is there. In my experience of church at the moment, I am moreorless the only single female. Most people my age are already married. Obviously the youth group are mainly single or dating so they are not married, but then they are young (I know I'm hardly over the hill but in church terms it sometimes seems like it). But because all of these people are married, it means anybody single is a minority. These married couples socialise together, and so they should, and that's a comfortable state. As soon as you throw someone single into the mix it's harder. The world is not geared up for singletons. I would feel weird going out for dinner with just a married couple for instance. Because in the back of my mind I would feel like they would rather be on their own and also like a gooseberry. And I know the problem in that situation is all with me, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. Oh I don't know quite what point I'm trying to make here. But if I'm feeling like this being single in church at the age of 24 that really worries me. Because 24 is really not old. Christians in my experience get married a lot younger than a lot of the rest of society. So at 24 I am made to feel like I'm left on the shelf, and that shouldn't be the case at all. And I shouldn't have to have patronising married people telling me how wonderful it is that I have more time to dedicate to God if I'm single. I think maybe part of my reason for being quite so bitter about this behaviour is from the time I was told I should be single forever because I was damaged. Nice. But the last thing a single person (or me at least) wants to hear is a married person telling them how wonderful it is to be single. If it was so wonderful then why did they get married?!

Oh I don't know. I'm just a bit disenchanted with it all. And more than a bit annoyed by the attitude that I'm single for the long haul because I'm 24. I mean, who knows, I might be (although I really hope not because that's not what I want for myself AT ALL), but it shouldn't be assumed. It reminds me of the Lily Allen song 22, which says:

It's sad but it's true how society says her life is already over
There's nothing to do and there's nothing to say
Till the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder
It seems so unlikely in this day and age.

Why should anyone feel like they've been written off because they're not married? Being single doesn't make me any less of a person than someone who's married. It might not be the state I want to be in forever but it still doesn't make me any more incomplete than anyone else.

Right, anyway, I'm going to go now and try to process some of this into actual logical thoughts.

Love love love xxx