HOLIDAY! Hurray!

Although skanky weather we seem to be having - yet again. So much for cold winter hot summer.

Since my last post been very busy. Last week at school was really sad for me, I'm going to miss it A LOT and I miss my class already. Well, some of them anyway! The day after I left I went into my new school and sorted out the first week with my partner teacher. I'm not feeling great about the planning really, hope it all becomes a bit clearer and a bit more organised. The room was left bare with bits all over the floor (no carpet, argh!) so didn't do a lot in that till this week.

Thursday night Sax Tim and Ruth came and we went to see Harry Potter (again), then Friday had a very very wet trip to Alton Towers where I got so wet that I couldn't even tell if it was raining anymore. Oh and I was nearly sick after banging my head on Nemesis. So a bit of a disaster really. Then Tim's car wouldn't start. Not the most successful day!

Friday evening I went out for my leaving do. A meal at Ask in Lichfield, then a few minutes in a questionable bar then into Apres for the rest of the night. It was great to be out with a group like that again, not been out out since before me and Chris broke up. Great night, although loads of really short blokes. Granted I was wearing silly shoes that made me about 6'1" but still, they were mega short!

Saturday Matt and Beckie came down and then the 5 of us went away to Much Wenlock for Mum and Dad's 30th wedding anniversary. It was lovely but I was soooooo tired and then it rained loads which was a shame.

Monday I went into school to make a start on my room, not easy when a lot of the display paper is squished. Got it looking a bit tidier, went back in yesterday to put a rug and some cushions in, make it a bit more appealing. It doesn't look bad now, but am still feeling a bit restless about it all.

The rest of the week has been spent cutting out, going to the dentist and having a major clean. Not quite finished the clean yet but it's getting there.

Plans for the next few days...well tomorrow it's finishing cleaning hopefully. Sunday I'm going to Leilah-May's christening, will be great to see Toni-Ann again, not seen her since before she was married. Then Beckie's coming ready for our trip to Longleat on Monday till Wednesday where we will (in my head) meet Ben Fogle! Wednesday night is my bead party, then after that I have a few days off without the parents.

This post is really not very interesting. It's a big catch up I suppose. This summer so far is really different to last summer. Last summer for the first couple of weeks I spent every day in school getting prepared, every evening (cos parents away), cutting and sticking and printing, hardly eating anything at all. I guess it was a way of coping. Although I found myself longing for that this week, I wish I could do more for school this year because I feel so underprepared. I also know that I still need to keep reasonably busy, because I know that if I don't the darkness creeps in and I fall to bits. I found this today a bit. I decided yesterday I was going to give my room a really good spring clean today, and then got up and got started and then got to a point after about an hour of not knowing what to do, and sitting on my bed staring at rubbish music TV and faffing. And I had to really force myself to get up and carry on.

Ohhhhh this all makes no sense. I'm going to go to bed now.

Love love love xxx

Just got back from Lancaster visiting Liz and Jim. Great weekend.

This now might become a bit babbly and nonsensical but there is a lot going on in my head and I reckon writing it down might sort it out for me a bit so here goes...

I miss Lancaster so much. This is the first time I've been in over a year where I haven't cried. Until now I've only been twice and both times were because I really needed to, first for Liz and Jim's wedding, and second for Ivy and Violet's christening. And I went to both of those knowing it would hurt and knowing that I'd find it hard, but still going ahead with going because I knew I couldn't let such good friends down for such selfish reasons. This weekend is the first time I've really wanted to go. I guess I just felt ready and like it was time to face it head on. It sounds stupid and melodramatic saying this about a place, but Lancaster and me and Chris were so massively intertwined that I was unable to think of one without thinking of the other. And going to and being in Lancaster just hurt so much, and it made me so sad because I wanted to be able to think about Lancaster and smile, because genuinely, it was the best time of my life.

So, this Saturday I went. And despite a few car issues on the way there I got there safe and sound, and me and Liz went for a picnic in Williamson Park. Williamson Park is one of my favourite places in the world. It was a place I used to escape to and it's where I chose to go on my last day in Lancaster. I have a photo of me from that day on top of Ashton Memorial in my bedroom, and I just look so happy. Then we went up to campus for a little wander, it's changed so much since I was there! When we got back to the house Jim was home and we had a lovely dinner and then went to see Harry Potter, which I thought was great, although not enough like the book.

This morning we went to Chaplaincy which was really strange for me, but also brilliant. Chaplaincy was the church where I really felt like I belonged, and I've not found that since. I miss that most of all. Saw Steve too for the first time in 3 years, which is far too long (for me anyway, probably not long enough for him!), so that was great, although didn't get to chat as much as I'd have liked. Although if I had I very well might have cried, there is so much to say to him. Might send him a letter this week if I get a minute.

Then we went to the Waterwitch for lunch, which was really nice. It's not the same old Waterwitch I know and love but it's close enough. And it was just lovely to be out with a group of people. I don't have a group here and I miss it. And most of today's group were people I didn't even know really, but it was still great. After that we went to see Violet and Ivy and James and Ailsa and that was wonderful. The twins are so big now and it was brilliant to see them all. I wish I could see these people more often.

Set off home but ended up taking myself off for a very random drive. I went right up to Hornby to see the school and Hornby Castle which I love, and the sheep lift (legendary!), then back towards Quernmore and Moor hospital which is a building that totally intrigues me and reminds me of Hogwarts, past Williamson Park. Then right up through Galgate into the sticks, up to Jubilee Tower where I stopped and just looked out over this fantastic place for a while. And I smiled. All these happy memories were whizzing round my head and for those few minutes I forgot all the crap and just smiled.

Then came home. If I'm totally honest I have had a bit of a cry since I got back. For reasons that I can't quite say. I miss Lancaster, I miss Uni, I miss my life there. I sometimes think about moving back there. One day I hope I will. After the break up I had no reason left to be up there. And didn't want to be out there on my own. But really there is quite a little collection of friends up there. So sometime maybe I might move back. I think what it is really is that I miss that group of friends I had in Lancaster. Liz, Jim, Daffy, Matt, Beckie, Laurie, Jilly, James, Ailsa, Marianne, Steve C, Lauren, Tim. These are all people I have such a massive love for and I hate that I don't see them more, and I'm totally useless at keeping in touch which I'm annoyed with myself for, but these people are so important to me and are such a big part of my life and I miss them. I have never had friends like them. Now I'm at home I've found it an uphill struggle to make friends. I have a lot of aquaintances, but I have very few people I can really rely on, who never let me down and are there whatever. I find myself constantly being cancelled on which is disheartening when I try so hard with people. But these special friends, and one or two from Smarties as well, are the kind of people who understand me and amaze me and inspire me and who I just love a lot. And I know this sounds slushy and sentimental, but actually I don't care, because they matter that much. And I hope they will be friends for life. I hope I always know these people and they are always a part of me. But I think that was one of the main reasons I cried. A small part of it I know is a self pitying part of me that I don't really like that wishes my plans had come off, that I'd stayed up there after graduating and that me and Chris had worked out etc etc. But I can see reason now in why that didn't happen, and even though it has been far from easy, I know it has probably been for the best.

So. To those people, if they are reading this, which I know one or two will be, thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for being a part of my life, for loving me, for being there for me and for being my friends. You're awesome and I love you a lot.

Love love love xxx

Back much sooner than I thought I would be.

Just been to church, and found it a really uncomfortable place to be. Back when Elizabeth died when I was at Uni, I found church the most unhelpful place to be ever, and didn't go for a while. I think mainly because I was so angry with God that she'd gone and I didn't know why. And ever since then it's been a bit of a struggle getting back into it really, but it was starting to happen. Then after me and Chris split up I hadn't been going because weekends were spent travelling to and from Preston, and when we broke up I started gradually going again up to the point where I have been going every week and I'm in housegroup and go to various other events when the fancy takes me. And I have made some friends there again and remade old friends. But the last few weeks it feels like it's been harder and harder to be there. It feels so cliquey which is something I just can't deal with. There's YF as a big group. There's a group of people in their late 20s/early 30s. And then there are just a few of us in the middle. But that number in the middle is very small and is not there every week so some weeks I feel like the only one, and even if we're all there, we're not like a "group" really. I just feel like I don't fit anywhere. The peace is by far the worst part for me. It's always so long, and all the "friends" have a good old chat and I just end up sitting there. And even worse, are the days, like today, where we are told to go and talk to someone we don't know. Which is something that makes me SO uncomfortable.

I almost feel like I want to find a new church, where I can fit. But I can't think of anywhere round here that I would, plus, I wouldn't want to lose the few friendships and links I do have at Aldridge.

I genuinely think I'm at a difficult church age. There are often a lot of teenagers in churches like Aldridge, then they go to Uni. Then the ones who do move back sometimes come back and sometimes go somewhere else, a lot move away, and a lot stop going to church when they're at Uni anyway. Then people start to come back when they settle down and start to have families and stuff, when they're just that bit older. So I think there is a real gap there between 20 and 30 that is really hard. I think it doesn't help at Aldridge that everyone else is all coupled up. I don't think I have one single friend left at church now. Oh no, I tell a lie, there are 2 I can think of but neither of them come very regularly. So it feels almost like I am excluded from their activities because I'm not a couple. I might just be perceiving this wrong, but that's certainly how it feels.

Oh I am such a whingy old bag. It just frustrates me that church is making me feel this way. On a Sunday night this is the last feeling you want, ready for the week ahead. Suggestions of solutions on a postcard.

Love love love xxx

Very busy couple of weeks ahead!

This week I'm trying to tie up all the loose ends, get everything filled in and passed on that needs doing. Visiting my new school on Tuesday which I'm looking forward to but also a bit nervous about at the same time. All a bit overwhelming. On Thursday it's our secretary's leaving do, then over the weekend I'm off up to Lancaster to see Liz - yey! And Harry Potter - yey! Then the week after I've got my class party, then the disco, another leaving do, followed by Sax Tim and Ruth coming followed by my leaving do followed by night away for parents anniversary.... and breathe! Am just hoping new school don't want me in those 2 days after we break up, so I can pop back to Holy Trinity on the Thursday morning to finish clearing up and then am free to see Sax Tim and Ruth. Although they can't make me go in can they, not employed by them officially till September. But also hope that they will be open over hol so I can get to grips with everything!

So yeah, it's probably all going to be a bit mental! But also good. And sad because I don't really want to leave still.

Will update as soon as I get a moment, might be a couple of weeks. Depends how much procrastinating I want to do!

Love love love xxx

This is going to be about Michael Jackson. This is not something I would normally do but sort of wanted to.

I'm not going to make out that Michael was a saint. I'm not going to say he was the greatest man that ever lived. I didn't know Michael Jackson. But what I do believe is that his heart was in the right place. He may or may not have got it wrong. But I don't believe for a second that he was a malicious person. And I don't think anybody on this earth has the right to judge him. Only God can judge us.

I'm just watching the end part of the tribute on TV, and I have to say, the whole thing is making me a bit uncomfortable. The fact that his coffin is there freaks me out a bit. But it's more what people are saying. The music has been great and some of the speeches have been great - the ones that are personal memories. But a few have been SO political and I just think, you know what, this is not the time or place. There's just been a congress woman on, who I don't know, but she was reeally aggressive in the way she spoke. I think that's my main issue. That people are coming across so aggressive and wittering on about racism and rights and even the court case. I just think, surely this should be about Michael, it shouldn't have any other agenda. I don't know, I might just be a bit mad. But I think about ANY memorial for ANYONE, that it should be about that person. It shouldn't be about anything else at all.

So, the top and bottom is... I don't know a whole lot about Michael Jackson. I like his music. But I don't really know anything else about him. And neither do a lot of other people. So very few people can really say very much about him. But I do know that he was taken too young, and I do know that I wish I'd met him.

Also, on a side note, Shaheen from Britain's Got Talent has just performed, and while I think it's great that he's out there and being heard, I think it's expecting a lot of him to perform there. This is like a global event that is going to be remembered for a really long time and I think that's a lot of pressure for a kid. I have a proper issue about kids being in the spotlight. Even Michael's kids, I think it's so awful that they have to be there. I certainly wouldn't want that if I was them. But hey, what do I know? I'm probably just rabbiting on about something I have no idea about.

Love love love xxx

Two posts in a day, I know, a bit keen, and it's not like I'm pushed for something to do, lots on, but just felt like having a little blog. Copying and pasting first post here:

Something I forgot to post ages ago, is that I really love the song '15 minutes' by The Yeah You's. I heard it ages ago and instantly liked it which is unusual for me and I still love it. Sounds like a cross between Take That and Robbie Williams, which I know is stupid cos he was in Take That but they sort of have different sounds these days.

So anyway, give it a listen :)

The Yeah You's - 15 minutes

Love love love xxx

Now second one...

Pelsall Carnival day today, not been to it really for years, probably since before Uni. It's not as good as it used to be. And I'm not just looking with rose tinted spectacles, but there used to be so many floats, and now we're lucky if there are 5 or 6. And when I was a kid there were always competitions, village show styleee, like cake baking, and veg growing and all that malarkey. I know this because I used to win them. But now there is none of that. The marquee these days is tiny and hardly has anything in it really. The biggest attraction now seems to be the car boot sale, which I must confess I've never really seen the appeal of. And the fair of course but I'm not even a big fan of that now they've got rid of the big wheel and the helter skelter. Hehehe I sound like such an old woman "not like it was in my day" style!

Ordered some wellies today ready for Greenbelt. Beckie sent me an amazing website with cool wellies on, I had SUCH a job picking, have ordered some turquoise ones with pink and navy daisies on them in the end in the hope that they will go with most things (because heaven forbid my wellies don't match my outfit hehehe). Anyway, website is www.fredsclothing.co.uk if anyone wants to have a looky.

Very much looking forward to Greenbelt. Last time I went I don't think I really did it properly. All we had really gone for was Vender (ah, back in the day!) and so I think we missed a lot of stuff by not really paying attention. So far there's quite a list of stuff I want to do/see. Rob Bell is obviously a must, he's the main reason I wanted to go. In fact, his book, Sex God, is one of the best things I have ever read (can't remember if I've written about it before, but if not, I genuinely think everyone should read it. In fact I would even go so far as to say that it should be compulsory reading for everyone). I also want to catch Tim Hughes, Andy Flannagan, Simon Mayo and some of the comedy stuff. Last Orders was my favourite thing last time I went, like a chat/music/comedy show thing that was on last thing every evening. Then there's other stuff I've seen on the website that looks good, Greenbelt Oscars, Gospel Choir, ohhh just so much. Me and Jilly will have to have a good sit down when we get there and get our highlighters out (like proper teachers) and work out what we want to do. OH! And how could I forget, Athlete have just confirmed, really want to see them!

Right, real reason for writing again, is because I've had some music on all day while I've been working, dug out an old playlist on Media Player and thought I'd share some songs with you all (woop). Putting on YouTube links, but some of them aren't official videos, is just an easy way to hear them.

Brooke Fraser - Shadowfeet - I LOVE this song. And I think the video is amazing. It's a song of hope and goodness and I just love it.

Janelle - Amazing - this is a video my friend Jo made for her little girl Hannah. I love the song on it but have no idea if there's an official video or not. YouTube comes up with loads of stuff from the film Twilight. But to me this song's video is Jo's, it fits so nicely and is just fantastic.

Kate Rusby - My Young Man - again, not an official video because it's never been a single, just a montage thing really. But this song is brilliant. It reminds me of my Grandad. In fact both my Grandads really, but especially Grandad Jack because he died of emphacaema which is what this song is about, although he wasn't a miner, her just smoked like everyone else did in those days. I think the moment when the brass band comes in is just beautiful. And her voice is amazing.

Colbie Caillat - Magic (piano version) - I just love the piano version of this. I wrote about it a few months ago. There isn't an official piano version video so this video isn't great, but the song is lovely. I would suggest minimising the video and just having a listen.

Jason Mraz - I'm yours - Well we all know by know that I love old Jase, and I think this song just epitomises his sound, so summery and so happy and it just makes me smile every time I hear it.

Eva Cassidy - Danny Boy - In my opinion the most beautiful version of this song ever. I sung it a few weeks ago at the music festival and just hope I did it justice. Her voice is stunning.

Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat - Lucky - 2 of my faves together, need I say more?

Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff - Summertime - I know it's sad and everything, but I just love it! Can't beat the Fresh Prince! And the video is genius. All that early 90s fashion!

Taylor Swift - White Horse - this is such a sad song. When I first heard it the line "I'm not a princess this ain't a fairytale" really made me sad. But I think it is a really pretty song.

Taylor Swift - Fifteen - I wrote about this a few weeks ago. Think it's brill.

Daniel Merriweather - Red - I think Daniel Merriweather has a great voice. Yes I do.

Dum Dums - Closer to you - I miss the Dum Dums.

Dum Dums - Army of Two - I think this is one of the greatest songs the Dums ever did. And coupled with the bonus track that came on the end of it on the CD it was immense. The bonus track never had a name on the CD but if you can ever find Sail Away by them, it is just beautiful. They also did amazing videos for 'Can't get you out of my thoughts' and 'You do something to me' (where they dressed up as women). Would recommend a watch!

McFly - The Heart Never Lies - Oh my actual goodness. I just love it. And live, well, it is amaaaarrrrrrzing!

MyFly - Lies - One of the best McFly songs ever in my opinion. Very odd video though...

Jaylene Johnson - Butterfly Girl - Don't really know what this video is! Tribute to Dakota Fanning, couldn't find anything else. But this song is very empowering I think.

Aqualung - Brighter than sunshine - I think this has a lovely sentiment.

Snow Patrol - Crack the shutters - I might have written about this before. I want someone to sing this about me one day. Not great quality sound on this one.

Adele - Make you Feel my Love - I used to love the Kelly Clarkson version of this, which I still do, but this one is a bit more raw and the sound is less produced and I really like it.

Lifehouse - You and me - I first heard this on Gavin and Stacey and thought it was really pretty.

Lifehouse - Everything - This isn't an official video, but I think it's quite nice. I've always liked this song ever since I 'discovered' Lifehouse on holiday in America in 2001. It's the bit where the sound just explodes, I think it's so powerful. And the words just amaze me.

And the last one for today OneRepublic - Say (All I need) - I just love the sound of this. And the lyrics are incredible.

Now, I expect you're all feeling a bit bored. I don't expect anyone to watch/listen to all of those, is just so that you can if you want to. Really it is just a chance for me to be totally self indulgent about some of the music I love. I will try to restrain myself now for a few weeks! Would love to know what you all think though, feel free to leave comments.

Love love love xxx

Helloooo

Not really a whole lot to report today. Absolutely shattered, has been a tiring few weeks and I have so much to do this weekend that I know I won't get a proper rest. Bring on the holidays!

I got my photos back from Eileen Mason's this week. Can't give you a high quality version as it's a photo of a photo but here is one of my faves. If you want to see the rest, well, you'll just have to come and visit won't you?

Going to visit my new school in a couple of weeks. Looking forward to it, might make it all seem a bit more real, and also will know a bit more about what I need to do so that will be good.

Right, going off to watch Horne and Corden now cos I love it and have a secret crush on James Corden. Well, not so secret now, obviously.

Love love love xxx